


TJ Kippen vs. the World

by slugpostage



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: (it goes without saying but) the seven evil exes were all in the past, Aged-Up Character(s), Buffy & Andi & Gus & T. J. are Sex Bob-Omb, Endgame Cyrus Goodman/T. J. Kippen, Gay Disaster T. J. Kippen, Gen, Kip is T. J.'s Older Brother, Let T. J. Kippen Swear, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Oblivious T. J. Kippen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, Scott Pilgrim References, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World AU, T. J. Kippen & Amber Are Twins, Tyrus is Endgame, he's so awkward and stupid it's kind of painful, i forgot that technically some of the ex pairings are crack ships, rip ghc, this isn't a crack fic you guys :(
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-07-09 01:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19879615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugpostage/pseuds/slugpostage
Summary: The only thing standing between TJ Kippen and the guy of his dreams (literally) were said dream boy's exes ... all seven of them. It's a dating smack down.





	1. Launchpad McQuack

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends :o) 
> 
> i figured i needed to jump on the tyrus bandwagon before the show ended, but i didn't know how - until the stupidly ingenious idea of a scott pilgrim au came to me. i made my friend watch the movie just so i could plot this out with her (and thank you babs, i know how much you hate michael cera's face). if you haven't seen the movie yet, i suggest you go and watch it! 
> 
> if you're still here, awesome!! i'd love some feedback on this. tell me what you like! what wasn't really ur cup of tea? who's your favorite character! comment anything and everything, and leave kudos to show ur luv :o)

**_NOT SO LONG AGO…_ **

**_IN THE MYSTERIOUS LAND..._ **

**_OF SHADYSIDE, UTAH…_ **

**_TJ KIPPEN WAS DATING A BASKETBALL PLAYER._ **

  
  


“TJ Kippen is dating a basketball player?” Buffy Driscoll glares at TJ from her wooden chair at the kitchen table, her arms crossed over her chest. TJ is huddled over the counter, opening and closing the cabinets above it. 

Andi set down her mug of tea, looking between Buffy and TJ. “Really? Is she cute?”

“How old are you now, TJ? Like, twenty?” Buffy challenges. 

“I’m not playing your little games, kids,” TJ says, fixing his own mug of tea. 

“So, you’ve been out of basketball for, like, nine years.”

“I’m seventeen.” TJ whips around to face Buffy. “Seventeen.”

**_[TJ Kippen. Age: 17. Rating: Awesome.]_ **

“And you’re dating a basketball player,” Andi nods. “Not bad, not bad.” She picks up the toast sitting on her plate. 

“Thank you, thank you,” TJ replies, a shy smile on his face. Gus watches the two of them, clutching his Nintendo DS. TJ turns to look at him, as if giving him permission to speak. 

“So did you guys, like, you know, do it yet?” 

“We have done many things.” TJ brings his mug from his lips and holds it in both hands. “We ride the bus together, and we have meaningful conversations about how practice went, and about her friends, and uh, you know, drama.”

Andi puts her toast back down and furrows her brows, “Have you even kissed her?” 

“We almost held hands once, but then she got embarrassed.” 

Buffy shoots a glare in TJ’s direction, “Well, aren't you pleased as punch.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” TJ brings the mug to his lips. 

Andi leans in towards TJ, “So, what’s her name?”

TJ looks up from his mug, “Kira. She’s on JV.” He looks around the table for any sort of reaction. 

Gus nods, “Wicked.”

“So when do we get to meet her?” Andi asks, picking up her toast again. 

Buffy glowered at TJ, “Oh, please let it be soon.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, the doorbell rings. 

TJ holds out his mug, “That’s for me.” TJ stands and strides over to the door. He opens the door partially and leans against the doorframe. On the other side of the door is Kira, dressed in her winter clothes. 

“Hi,” she sighs, a grin spreading across her face.

“You promise to be good?” he asks, sharing the same smile.

“Of course I’ll be good.”

TJ’s face falls, “Seriously, please be good.” 

“Am I normally not?” she asks, her voice becoming quiet. 

The door is jerked open, revealing Andi. TJ quickly looks to introduce her, clasping a hand on her shoulder, “Hey Kira, this is Andi Mack. She’s the talent.”

**_[Andi Mack. “The Talent.” 16 years old]_ **

Buffy rushes past behind them. 

“Hey,” Andi says, and she quickly shuts the door in Kira’s face. She leans in closely, lowering her voice to a whisper. “Is she gonna geek out on us?”

“She’ll just sit in the corner, Andi-man.”

“I mean, I want her to geek out on us,” she clarifies.

TJ nods, “She’ll geek. She geeks. She has the capacity to geek.”

“Okay.” She steps back and opens the door again. Kira is pulling on her curls in anticipation. Andi faces her, pointing inside, “You’re good.”

Kira follows closely behind Andi, marvelling at the room. The walls are a dingy tan, decorated with a few posters. An out of place bookshelf sits in the corner, shrouded by instruments and amps of all sizes. Buffy is sitting at her drum set in front of an outdated fireplace, a permanent frown painted on her face. Andi is in front of the bookshelf, picking up her acoustic guitar. 

“Wow,” she breathes. 

TJ steps forward, “Here, let me take your coat.”

Kira takes a few steps forward and looks up to meet Buffy’s frown, “Hi.”

“Kira, that’s Buffy.” TJ shakes her coat out, and throws it in front of the door, completely disregarding the coat hangers on the wall above.

“Sorry, what was your name?” she asks, wringing her hands. 

“Buffy,” she deadpans.

“And you play the drums?”

**_[Buffy Driscoll. Drummer. 16 years old.]_ **

“Yes.” 

“That is so... _ awesome… _ ” A starstruck smile spreads across her face. 

“Kira, that’s Gus,” TJ says, turning on some of the amps. Gus flops down on the outdated plaid couch in front of the band’s set up.

**_[Gus. Lives here. 16 years old.]_ **

“Hi.”

Kira sits with him. “Hi.”

Gus looks at her sheepishly, but quickly averts his eyes.

“Um, what do you play?” Kira asks. 

“Wow, um…” Gus fiddles with the DS in his hands, opening and closing it, “Zelda, Tetris.” He whips his head to look at Kira, “That’s kind of a big question.” 

Buffy hits her drums a few times to get their attention.

“Okay,” TJ starts, walking over to his mic, “let’s start with  _ Launchpad McQuack _ .”

Andi leans up into the mic, “Uh, that’s not the actual title of the so—”

Buffy cuts her off, raising her drumsticks in the air. 

_ “We are Sex Bob-Omb, one, two three, four!” _


	2. Delivery Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She seems nice," Andi offers.
> 
> "Yeah," TJ replies." 
> 
> Gus moves to face the rest of the band, "Yeah, she seems awesome."
> 
> TJ nods, "Yeah."
> 
> "TJ, if your life had a face, I would punch it," Buffy scowled.
> 
> "Yeah. Wait, what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're back, and we're longer this time :o)

“She seems nice,” Andi offers. The sky is dark, and the band is sitting in Gus’ room. His small twin bed is pushed into the corner of the room, right next to a desk with a clunky computer. Andi is sitting on the bed, leaning back against the dirty window. Gus is sitting at his desk, scrolling on his computer. Buffy and TJ sit next to each other on the bed, legs extended across one another.

“Yeah,” TJ replies.

Gus moves to face the rest of the band, “Yeah, she seems awesome.” 

TJ nods, “Yeah.” 

“TJ, if your life had a face, I would punch it,” Buffy scowled.

“Yeah. Wait, what?” 

“I mean,” Buffy starts, tilting her head towards TJ, “are you really happy, or are you really evil?”

TJ’s face scrunches in confusion, “Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I’m offended, Buffy.” 

“Wounded, even?” 

“Hurt, Buffy.”

“You? Hurt?” Buffy laughs bitterly. They hold eye contact for a few painful seconds, until TJ breaks away.

“Gus, you were saying about she seems awesome?” 

Gus looks away from his computer once more, “Yeah, she seems awesome.”

“Yeah.” 

———

**_AFTERWARDS…_ **

TJ walks through the door of his apartment, hands still shoved in his pockets to avoid the abrasive cold. He wipes his tattered Superstars on the green mat in front of the door. 

“Before you hear some dirty lies from someone else,” He begins, “yes, I’m dating a basketball player,” he says quickly. 

“Aw, is he cute?” 

“Ha ha ha,” TJ replies. He shucks his coat off and puts it on the coat hanger next to the door.

Condescending brown eyes peer over a newspaper, “Does this mean we have to stop sleeping together?” 

**_[Kyle “Kip” Kippen. Roommate/Brother. 22 years old. Rating: 7.5/10]_ **

“You see another bed in here?” TJ sighs, ducking into the small bathroom. 

“Oh yeah,” Kip says, “You’re totally my bitch forever.” He flips his newspaper back up to his face.

**_TJ AND KIP’S APARTMENT: OWNERSHIP DIAGRAM_ **

**_LAME POSTER (TJ)_ **

**_WALL LAMP (KIP)_ **

**_EASY CHAIR (KIP)_ **

**_THROW RUG (KIP)_ **

**_CLOTHES ON FLOOR AND STUFF (TJ)_ **

**_COMPUTER (KIP)_ **

**_SHELF (KIP)_ **

**_BOOKS AND CDs (KIP)_ **

**_TELEVISION (KIP)_ **

**_VIDEO GAMES SYSTEM AND GAMES (KIP)_ **

**_TJ’s COAT_ **

**_KIP’S COAT (BETTER)_ **

TJ emerges from the bathroom, wringing his hands, “So, the whole ‘basketball player’ thing—don’t tell too many people.” 

Kyle puts his paper down, “Hey, you know me,” he reassures. 

“I mean, don’t tell our sister.” 

Kyle whips his phone out and stands up. “You know me,” he mutters, walking into the bathroom.

“Who are you texting?” 

_RIIIIIIIIING._

TJ moves to pick up the landline. _“A basketball player? Scandal.”_

**_[Amber Kippen. Twin sister. 17 years old. Rated “T” for Teen.]_ **

“That’s not true,” TJ sighs, “Who told you?”

_“Kip. Duh.”_

“That gossipy bitch.”

 _“You know me,”_ He hears over the receiver. TJ turns around to see Kip leaning against the bathroom door, his phone pressed against his ear. 

“Kip!”

Kip hangs up.

 _“Who is this mystery chick you date?”_ Amber asks.

“Her name’s Kira…? She’s on JV.”

Amber gasps, _“A JV basketball girl? You’re ridiculous.”_

TJ buries his head in his hand, pinching the bridge of his nose, “She’s a freshman, too…”

_“Wow, did you show her around and everything?”_

“Yeah, the whole deal…” TJ moves to sit on the bed.

_“Oh my god, you guys haven’t—”_

“No, no, no, no. We haven’t even held hands yet.” He twirls the cord in his fingers, “I think...she hugged me once.” 

Amber sighed, _“TJ, why are you doing this?”_

“I dunno…” TJ sighs, rubbing his forehead. “It’s just nice, you know? It’s just simple.” 

_“It’s been over a year since you got dumped by She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named, so…”_ Amber lets out an exasperated sigh, _“Are you legitimately moving on, or is this just you being insane?”_

“Can I get back to you on that?”

———

“I do _not_ want to be here at all,” Kip mutters. Kip and TJ stand outside of Grant High School as the snow falls. Hoards of teens swarm out of the building and onto the surrounding sidewalks.

“This school has seniors, too,” TJ comments. 

“I hate you,” he replies, looking away. “Even I would think twice about dating a JV basketball player.”

Tj stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Well, she’s only allowed to see me when she isn’t practicing, so I wouldn’t call it dating. It’s more like—”

Kip raises his eyebrows, “Playtime?”

He grimaces, “That doesn’t sound so good either.”

“TJ!”

TJ turns his head towards the school’s entrance. Kira stands in the middle of the courtyard, waving enthusiastically in TJ’s direction. As soon as she sees they’ve made eye contact, she starts skipping towards him.

“Hey Kira,” He says once she’s standing in front of him. He nods his head towards Kip. “This is my cool gay roommate, Kyle.”

Kip kisses his teeth, offering a small wave. He side-eyes TJ, “I’m not gay,” he says to him through gritted teeth. 

Kira smiles, “Hi.” 

TJ looks to Kip once more, “He’s gay.”

Kira’s nods understandingly, “Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?” 

Kip crosses his arms over his chest and makes eye contact with Kira, “Yes, does he wear glasses?” 

TJ moves to stand behind Kira, “Kip, you go now. Begone.”

Kip nods, but moves to grab Kira’s hands. He bends down to her level, his expression deadly serious, “You’re too good for him. Run.” 

Kip exits quickly, and TJ chuckles nervously. “He’s just joking…”

———

**_Get Ready!!_ **

Kira and TJ stand side by side in front of a basketball machine in the empty arcade. They each grab a basketball from the machine, anticipating the start of the game. 

“You’re going down, Kippen,” Kira says. 

“Yeah, okay,” TJ quips back.

**_Here We Go!_ **

Their focus is strong, each of them staring straight ahead, all of their attention on the game. They make almost every shot, until Kira slips up and misses a few. TJ glances at her, noticing how it discouraged her, and attempts to break the tense silence between them. “Did you know the original name for Pac-Man was Puck-Man?”

Kira glances at him before taking another shot, and TJ takes it as a cue to continue, “You would think it was because he looks like a hockey puck, but it actually comes from the Japanese phrase paku-paku, which means to flap one’s mouth open and closed.”

TJ throws the ball and misses, “They changed it because they thought Puck-Man would be too easy to vandalize. You know, people could just scratch out the ‘P’ and turn it into an ‘F’ or whatever.” 

“Oh my god,” Kira says after shooting the ball. She turns to TJ, resting her head on her hand, an awe-struct look in her eyes. “Like, wow!” 

“Yeah…” They stare at each other for a while, until an electronic voice buzzes through the speakers.

**_Continue?_ **

**_10_ **

**_9_ **

**_8_ **

**_7_ **

**_6_ **

TJ nods his head towards the screen.

**_5_ **

**_4_ **

**_3_ **

**_2_ **

“Oh,” Kira says, “Oh, I got it.” 

———

“I don’t listen to that much music,” Kira begins, looking through the clothes on the clothing rack. The two ended up in Goodwill after a few more rounds of basketball. “I mean, I know a lot of kids who play or whatever, but you guys—” She leans against the rack, staring up at TJ. “You guys _rock_.”

“I knew I personally rocked, but I never suspected that we rocked as a unit, so,” TJ holds up the Coke bottle in his hands, mocking a toast, “thank you, Kira.”

The pair move from the clothing racks to the CDs. TJ looks through the Pop/Rock section, and Kira continues, “I mean, you guys are gonna be huge!” 

TJ turns to look at Kira, “Well, we’re already pretty big,” he says, “But, yeah, I guess it’d be cool if cool people started wearing our t-shirts or whatever.” 

“Cool…” Kira looks around and spots a clerk shelving CDs. “Um, excuse me?” she asks. “Do you have anything by _The Clash at Demonhead_?” 

The girl points behind Kira, “Have you tried the section marked ‘ _The Clash at Demonhead_ ,’” she replied. 

TJ sighed, “Thank you, Bex.”

**_[Rebecca “Bex” Mack. Has issues. 28 years old.]_ **

Kira moves around to the section. 

“Are you coming to my party Friday?” Bex asks, eyeing Kira. “Or will you be busy...babysitting?”

TJ squeezes his eyes shut in annoyance, “Thank you, Bex.” He looks to Kira, noticing how uncomfortable she looked. “You don’t wanna listen to her,” he says. He glances down to see a _The Clash at Demonhead_ CD in her hand, “And you _definitely_ don’t wanna listen to them.” He snatches it out of her hand, throws it on top of another stack, and begins to walk away. 

“Oh, I heart them so much!” Kira exclaims. 

“Yeah, I hearted them too, until they signed to a major label, and the lead singer turned into a total bitch and ruined my life forever. But that’s just me.” 

“Envy Adams is _so_ cool! Do you read her blog?” 

“Uh—” TJ swiftly changes the topic. “Sorry, you were saying about me?”

“I mean,” TJ and Kira walk the snowy streets of Shadyside, flurries falling occasionally. “I’ve never gone out with anyone so talented.” 

“You go out with a lot of guys?” 

“No.”

“Yeah, so, whatever, man.”

“I’ve never even kissed a guy,” Kira admits.

TJ stops in his tracks and turns to Kira, a sullen look clouding over his face. “Me neither.” 

———

Their days follow the same routine— TJ picks Kira up after school (he has study hall for his last class), they go to the arcade, they go to Goodwill, and he ends the day by walking her to the bus stop. They take a detour one day, and they walk to TJ’s apartment. 

“Here you go,” he says, gesturing to the door. Kira stops to admire it. 

“So this is your secret lair?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

“Can I come in?”

“My secret lair is one of those ‘no girls allowed’-type deals.” TJ explains.

“Oh, okay.” 

There’s a pregnant pause.

“But do you wanna see the house where I grew up?” 

“Oh, sure!”

“Come on.” TJ starts to walk across the street, but stops once he reaches the sidewalk. “There you go.”

“Wow…” Kira breathes, her voice shaking. 

“Yeah,” TJ says, looking away. “Wow…” 

He blinks, and in an instant, he’s stranded in the desert. He looks around, startled, and takes in the terrain. The ground is dry and cracked, and there stands a single cactus. The sun beats down on TJ, who’s still in his winter attire. The land is barren, save for the sand dunes in the distance— a total wasteland for as far as he can see. 

“Oh, God,” he rasps. He sinks down to his knees in front of the cactus. “So alone…” 

He falls down face-first, curling into himself. 

_“You’re not alone.”_ A voice echoes through the desert. 

“What?” He looks up, and sees a boy moving past on a skateboard. TJ can’t make out much about him—he has a pair of goggles over his eyes, and his skateboard is kicking up too much dust. The only thing TJ can see is his hoodie. It’s light blue, with penguins printed all over it. Without stopping, the boy speaks again. 

_“You’re just having some idiotic dream.”_

TJ jolts up, “Oh, God.” He sits up and looks around, expecting to see desert, but instead he’s met with the darkness of his room.

“What is it, Teej?” Kip sits up next to him. 

“I had this totally weird dream.” 

Someone else sits up in the bed,“Oh, God.”

“What is it, Natalie?” 

**_[Natalie. Kip’s GF. 22 years old.]_ **

“Can we skip the dream time?” she asks. “Color me not interested.” 

“But there was this boy…” TJ says, a far away look in his eyes. Kip and Natalie turn to look at TJ. 

“Was this an Envy-related dream?” 

“Hey,” Kip scolds, “we don’t use the E-word in this house.” 

TJ shakes his head, “No, it wasn’t her, it was somebody new.” He throws the covers off, standing up.

Natalie rolls her eyes, “Yay for that.” She flops back down on the bed.

Kip stays sitting up and pulls out his phone. “Speaking of new,” he begins, “weren’t you supposed to take your fake JV girlfriend to the library a half hour ago?”

“What?” TJ is standing in front of the door. “It’s like, six o’clock in the morning.” TJ opens the door, and is met with the bright light of the sun.

**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_ **

———

“It’s _weird_ …” TJ says. He’s at the library with Kira, helping her check out math textbooks.

“What’s weird?” she asks, placing a few books onto the stack TJ is holding.

“Libraries remind me of tutoring.”

“Wow, that must’ve been brutal for you.” 

“Yeah, let’s talk about something else,” TJ says uncomfortably. TJ and Kira start to make their way to the checkout counter, when he sees him. Standing in line is the boy from the desert. TJ can actually see his face now, and his jaw drops. The boy has short dark brown hair, with goggles resting on top. He’s wearing the same hoodie from his dream, and a pair of khaki pants. His olive skin stands out against the blue of his hoodie, and TJ can’t help but stare at him. He hands the librarian a bag from the _Spoon_ , a diner across town, and they seem to talk for a few minutes. The boy looks up and meets TJ’s gaze, and TJ feels his face flush. He turns back to librarian, flashes her a smile, and TJ watches as he exits on his skateboard. 

Kira looks up at him, “Do you know that boy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm back. we're about eleven minutes into the movie now. 
> 
> tell me what you like! what wasn't really ur cup of tea? who's your favorite character! comment anything and everything, and leave kudos to show some luv!! 
> 
> tanks for reading :o)


	3. Cyrus Goodman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you know anybody with a hoodie like this?" TJ holds up a piece of paper with a poorly drawn sweatshirt on it.
> 
> "Yes, that's Cyrus Goodman."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're about twenty minutes into the movie now :o)

“ _TJ!_ ” 

TJ jumped, “What?” He looks around, startled.

Andi sighs, “You only played one note for that entire song.” She squats down to swap out guitar picks.

They’re in Gus’ living room again, practicing their set.

“Oh,” TJ says, “My hand slipped. 

“Is your girlfriend distracting you?” Buffy asks. 

“My girlfriend?” He wrinkles his nose. “Wh—” He turns his head and spots Kira on the couch next to Gus. 

“I’ll be quieter,” she whispers.

Andi clears her throat, “Let’s do that one again.” 

TJ shakes his head, “Sorry, what are we doing?” 

———

Andi turns around “I told you, like, fifty times!” 

“We’re going to this party, dumbass,” Buffy answers, moving ahead to walk next to Andi. It was nighttime already, and the bitter cold was brutal. 

“Party?”

“At Bex’s,” Gus supplies. 

TJ groans, “I thought we were done going to Bex’s parties!” 

“We are, but—”

“The last two were a disaster!”

“ _But_ ,” Andi continues, “there might be some label guys there, so, you know—”

“Oh man, this is gonna suck!” TJ yells.

“Suck,” Gus echoes.

“At least it’ll give us something to complain about,” Buffy says.

“Oh, man!” TJ groans.

———

“Oh man, this sucks!” TJ yells.

“Sucks,” Gus echoes. They stand in the middle of the crowd, cups in hand. Andi and Buffy are nowhere to be seen. 

“I’m gonna go pee due to boredom,” TJ groans. He walks away, leaving Gis alone in the crowd.

“... _I_ have to pee,” Gus mumbles. 

TJ pushes through the hoards of people and makes his way to the stairs. He starts up the stairs, and sees a man leaning against the rail, talking to a few people on the other side. 

“...Y’know, so I told him, you’ve got a really good sound, and I think you should market your sound to deaf people, because— TJ, hey.”

TJ looks up, “Oh, hey, Bowie.” 

“How ‘bout this party, huh? You getting your drink on over here?” 

TJ shakes his head, “No, I don’t drink, this is just _Coke Zero_.”

Bowie's face twists in confusion, “What do you mean? I distinctly remember you being very drunk on a couple of G-and-T’s.”

TJ quickly changes the subject, “Hey, Bowie, you know everyone, right?” 

**_[Bowie. Knows everyone. 28 years old.]_ **

Bowie chuckles, “Yeah, pretty much, I do.” 

“Do you know this one guy with a hoodie like this?” TJ holds up a piece of paper with a poorly drawn sweatshirt on it. 

Bowie replies almost instantly, “Yes, that’s Cyrus Goodman. You know, somebody said he was gonna be here tonight, actually.”

TJ’s eyes widen, “What?”

“Teej, do you have the hots for him or something?” Bowie looks away and chuckles, “I gotta tell you though, he doesn’t look it, but I hear he’s a little hardcore.”

When he looks back up, TJ is gone. 

———

TJ walks through the crowd, looking left and right for Cyrus. He almost gives up and actually goes to the bathroom, until he sees electric blue sticking to one of the walls. A path seems to clear, and TJ spots Cyrus standing there, watching the party. He stares at him, squeezing his cup tighter and tighter, until he feels _Coke Zero_ spilling all over his palm. 

He makes his way over to him, clinging to the wall. He slides over until they stand next to one another, their shoulders touching. 

“Hey, what’s up?” TJ asks.

Cyrus turns toward TJ, lowering his cup in front of him, “Nothing.”

“Hey, you know Pac-Man?”

Cyrus turns back to watch the party. “I know of him.” He takes a swig from his cup.

“Well, TJ starts, “Pac-Man was originally called Puck-Man.” He pauses. “They changed it because— uh, not because Pac-Man looks like a hockey puck...well, _paku-paku_ means ‘flap your mouth’, and they were afraid people would change— scratch out the “P,” turn it into an “F,” like—” 

TJ lets out a nervous chuckle. 

Cyrus nods, his face completely blank, “Yeah. that’s amazing.” 

“Uh…” TJ runs a hand through his hair, messing up the gel he spent almost half an hour perfecting. “Am I dreaming?”

Cyrus furrows his brows. 

TJ feels the tips of his ears turning red from embarrassment. “Uh, I’ll leave you alone forever now.”

Cyrus nods, “Thanks.”

TJ walked away, but not before turning his head to look back at Cyrus, who was still watching the rest of the party.

**_AND THEN…_ **

**_HE STALKED HIM_ **

**_UNTIL HE_ **

**_LEFT_ **

**_THE PARTY_ **

———

“Dude!” TJ yelled, clasping a hand on Gus’ shoulder. 

Gus spun around, “What?”

“He’s totally real!”

“Who?”

TJ looked into the distance, a dreamy look in his eyes, “Cyrus Goodman.” 

“What?”

———

“Dude!”

Bowie put up a hand, and TJ continued, “What do you know about Cyrus Goodman?” 

“All I know is that he’s Jewish.” 

TJ got the same dreamy look in his eyes, “ _Jewish_ …” 

“Why don’t you go talk to Brittany and Miranda?” Bowie nods his head in their direction, “They know a lot more.” 

———

“Lady-dudes. What do you know about Cyrus Goodman?” 

“I heard he has a boyfriend,” Brittany says.

Miranda nods, “Yeah, some musician back in New York.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else?” 

_“I heard he kicks all kinds of ass.”_

_“He’s on another level.”_

_“He has men dying at his feet.”_

_“He’s got some battle scars, dude.”_

TJ finds himself standing in front of the only person he didn’t want to see tonight. 

“What _about_ Cyrus Goodman?” Bex asks.

TJ’s eyes widen,“You know him? Tell me now.”

“He just moved here. Got a job at the _Spoon_. Comes into my work.”

TJ is awestruck, “Does he really?”

Andi pops up next to Bex, “Didn’t you say he just broke up with someone?”

“Did he really?” TJ asks, his tone hopeful.

“Didn’t they have a huge fight or whatever?” Andi looks to Bex.

Bex sighs, “Yes! But I didn’t want TJ to _know that, Andi_.” 

TJ sighs, “Yeah, I don’t know what it is about that guy.”

Bex narrows her eyes, “TJ, I _forbid_ you from hitting on Cyrus, even if you haven’t had a real relationship in over a year.” It sounds like an ultimatum. 

“Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Andi steps in between TJ and Bex, “TJ’s mourning period is officially over! Besides,” she lifts up her cup to her mouth, “he’s totally dating a JV basketball player.” 

Bex rolls her eyes, “Dating a JV girl _is_ the mourning period.” 

“Yeah, she’s got a point.” 

“I don’t want you scaring off the most mysterious person at my party, TJ!” Bex scolds. “Besides, we all know you’re a total lady-killer-wannabe jerky-jerk.”

“That’s not true!” TJ protests.

“That time with Logan?” 

“That was a misunderstanding.

“That time with Hollie?” 

“That wasn’t what it looked like!”

“That time you _dumped_ Buffy for—”

“Okay, Buffy and I _never_ dated!” TJ yells. “Besides, we’re all good now.” 

TJ glances over to where Buffy’s standing. She’s glaring at him. 

“Whatever!” she groans, “Cyrus is out of your league. Let’s just leave it at that. Besides, I’m not even sure if he _did_ have a big breakup. He keeps mentioning some guy named Jonah.” She brings her cup up to her lips.

TJ nods, obviously not paying attention, “Yeah, I don’t know what it is about that guy.”

“Forget it, TJ!”

A fuse blows, and the entire room goes black.

———

The door to TJ’s apartment swings open. “Guess who’s drunk!” The door slams shut again.

The lights come on and TJ groans, “I guess Kip.” 

Kip throws his bag down by the coat rack, “You guessed right.” He throws his keys to the Easy Chair, but hits TJ’s head instead. He flops down onto their bed. 

TJ turns onto his back to talk to Kip, “So that guy from my dream—”

“Mm, boy. Okay,” he mumbles into the pillow.

“I saw him at the library.”

“Library…” Kip picks his head up, “Can I pretend we’re talking about a girl?” 

TJ doesn’t answer, “And I’m at this party, and, hey, there he is!”

“Hey, there she is…” 

TJ stares wistfully at the ceiling, “I think he’s—” he pauses.

“I think she’s—” Kip echoes. 

“I think he’s the guy of my dreams.”

“Mm.” Kip picks his head up again, “Then you should break up with your fake freshman girlfriend.”

TJ keeps talking, “I mean I’ve never felt so sure about something.”

Kip lays back down, “Then you should break up with your fake freshman girlfriend.” 

“What’s that?”

Kip lays face down on his pillow, “You should break up with your fake fresh…” 

TJ furrows his brows and shakes his head, “I’m not getting it, friend.” 

_RIIIIIIIIING_

TJ picks up the landline.

 _“You’re thinking of juggling two chicks?!”_ Amber fumes from the other line.

TJ scoffs, “Not even!”

_“Well you should break up with your fake freshman girlfriend!”_

TJ opens his mouth to reply, but stops short, furrowing his brows, “Wait, who told you?”

_“Kip, duh!”_

He turns to look at Kip, “He’s not even conscious!”

_“Whatever! You, of all people, should know how sucky it is to get cheated on.”_

“Don’t you have a job to do?”

Amber gasps, _“You’re right, I should send out a mass text about this. Bye.”_

TJ sighs in annoyance, and looks over to Kip again. He’s passed out, but his phone is in his hand, unlocked. “Kip, how do you do that?” He mutters.

———

“Kip!”

Kip jolts up and looks down at his phone. It’s morning, and the sun streams through the window. TJ is on the floor in front of the computer. “Spoon Diner dot-com, what’s the site for that?”

“SpoonDiner.com,” he answers monotonously. 

“I have to order something really cool,” TJ says, staring intently at the computer screen. 

**_You’ve got mail!_ **

“Dude, this thing claims I have mail!” TJ exclaims. 

Kip rolls his eyes, “It’s amazing what we can do with computers these days.” He peels his winter coat off. 

“Dude, now I’m reading it!” TJ says over his shoulder.

“ _So_ happy for you...” 

“Dear Mr. Kippen,” he reads aloud, “It has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Leo Kaplan, and—” _Blah, blah, blah, blah b_ —

“Fair warning...mano a mano...seven evil blah-blah…this is—” 

**_Duel_ **

“This is—”

**_to the_ **

“This is—”

**_DEATH._ **

Kip pulls his sweater off and finally interrupts, “What?”

“This is _booooooring_. Delete.” He reaches over for the mouse.

Kip looks down and sighs, shaking his head. “Teej, are you really waiting for the food you just ordered?” 

He turns over his shoulder, “Maybe.”

“The diner’s all the way across town. Knowing your order, it won’t come for a half hour, at the earliest.

**_DING DONG_ **

TJ jumps to his feet, “You were saying?” He rips the door open.

“Attack hug!” Kira exclaims, jumping into his arms. 

TJ catches her, grimacing, “Hey, attack hug, that’s so cute, so cute…”

Kira pulls away, wrapping her arms around his neck, “Remember, you were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half hour ago.” 

TJ’s face falls, but he quickly plasters on a smile, “How could I possibly forget?” 

———

One thing TJ learned after his journey of self-discovery was that Kira never shuts up.

“Practice was _so_ boring, you would not _believe_ the music they put on during drills.” 

“That’s sucky,” he says. 

And she’s so predictable, she always sticks to the same schedule. TJ picks her up after class, they go to Goodwill, they go to the arcade…

“Ooh! Hannah broke up with Allen, and now she’s all into Derek!”

“Uh-huh…”

He can’t tell when he stopped finding her interesting and when he started finding her so…

“But then Tamara ‘ _claims_ ’ she has dibs on Derek!

“I’m tellin’ ya…” 

_...juvenile._

They’re at the arcade again, playing basketball. Kira’s giving it her all, just like she does every day, but TJ misses every shot he takes. He can hear the machine telling him what a shitty job he’s doing, but all he can think about is—

He throws the ball at the same time as Kiras, and they knock together, causing her to miss her shot.

“Sorry,” he says, “That was all me.” 

**_Solo round!_ **

The light above TJ’s basket lights up.

“Oh no, solo round!” Kira exclaims. 

TJ doesn’t even try to grab another ball, “I can never get past this one…” 

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Kira supplies. 

**GAME OVER**

Kira turns to TJ, “Do you wanna keep going?”

“Um…”

**_Continue?_ **

**_10_ **

**_9_ **

**_8_ **

**_7_ **

**_6_ **

“I think…”

**_5_ **

**_4_ **

“I think…”

**_3_ **

**_2_ **

“I think we should, um—”

**_1_ **


	4. Doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want me to hang out with you?”
> 
> “Um, yeah, if that’s cool with you…”
> 
> Cyrus sighs, “If I say yes, will you sign for your damn order?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy tuesday, i'm back :o)
> 
> i kind of wish that this was longer, but i realized that if i kept going i wouldn't finish by today, so here's some tyrus content to feast upon (ew that was,,,ew).
> 
> anyway! i hope y'all enjoy!! comment + share + stuff!!

Andi grabs a mic and leans in uncomfortably close, “Game on, everybody, game on.” 

TJ looks up from the guitar he was tuning, “What?”

“I got us a show.” 

“ _Oh my gosh!_ ” Kira jumps in between them. “When?” she squeals.

Andi takes a step back, “Uh, Wednesday...The Rockit. And, even better, it's the UIBB.” She glances up at TJ who’s started to walk away from Kira.

Gus looks up from his DS, “Whoa.” 

“The Utah International Battle of the Bands?” 

Andi nods, “That’s right.” Kira squeals and looks back at TJ, who’s sitting on the floor talking to Buffy. 

Andi continues, “This guy I work with was like ‘Andi, you know anybody in a band?’ and I was like, ‘I’m in a band,’ and he was like, ‘you’re in a band?’ and I was like, ‘yeah, I am _totally_ in a band’—”

Buffy cuts her off, “Great story, Andiman.”

Kira jumps in, “Is there a prize or something?”

“Only a record deal with the man himself, J-Beck,” Andi says nonchalantly. 

TJ lifts head, “Who’s that?” He hadn’t actually been involved in the conversation until now.

“You don’t _know?_ ” Kira asks frantically. 

“Uh, he’s only the Indie producer of the millennium,” Andi says. She moves away from the mic stand. “If we win, it won’t just be Kira wearing Sex Bob-Omb shirts. It’ll be the cool kids, too.” She clasps a hand on Kira’s shoulder, and the jab at her completely flies over her head. Kira runs over to where TJ is sitting and kneels in front of him. 

“I _promise_ I will do _everything_ I can to get out of practice and come to this show!” she exclaims. 

TJ nods, but doesn’t meet her eyes, “I have to pee.” He doesn’t feel himself getting up, but soon enough he’s walking toward the bathroom in the hallway. He hears everyone having a conversation, but he can’t make out anything they’re saying—everything sounds like it’s underwater. Once TJ reaches the bathroom, he closes the door, and everything stops. He splashes cold water on his face, wincing when it gets in his eye, and wipes off his hands. When he reopens the bathroom doors, he’s in his high school hallway. 

“Uh—huh?”

His vision is hazy, and everything still sounds like it’s underwater. He looks around, half expecting the scenery to change again, but then he sees him.

Cyrus skates past him, wearing the same penguin hoodie, but this time he has on a pair of ripped jeans. His goggles are over his eyes again, and he’s holding a takeaway bag in his hands. 

“Hey!” TJ tries to call out to him, but he doesn’t hear him. He starts to run after Cyrus, but when the boy rounds a corner, TJ stops short with wide eyes. Cyrus is standing in front of his apartment.

“Hey!” TJ sits up in his bed. He throws the covers off of his body and runs to his front door, swinging it open. Cyrus stands there, dressed exactly like he was in his dream, holding a takeaway bag from the _Spoon_. His goggles are on top of his head, and his thumb hovers over the doorbell. 

“Uh, TJ Kippen?” he says. 

“Hi, I was thinking of asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be,” TJ says quickly. He takes a deep breath, “So, do you wanna go out sometime?” He smiles, hoping he looks charming and not like a sociopath. 

“Um, no, that’s okay. You can just sign for this, alright?” He holds out a clipboard. 

TJ doesn’t take it. Instead, he keeps talking, “I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering this to me. Is that weird?” 

Cyrus shakes his head, “It’s not weird at all.”

TJ tilts his head, “It’s not?”

“You just have this convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It’s, like, three miles in fifteen seconds.” Cyrus looks to the side, “I forgot you guys don’t have that here…”

TJ can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. “Right, right.”

There's an awkward lull in the conversation.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” TJ blurts. He leans against the doorframe, “We met at the party the other day.”

“Were you the Pac-Man guy?”

“No, no,” TJ says quickly, shaking his head, “not even, that was some total ass. I was the other guy.”

“You know, you need to sign for this,” Cyrus holds out the clipboard once more. “It’s probably cold.” 

“But if I sign for it, you’ll leave…” TJ whines.

“Yeah, that’s kind of how it works.” 

“TJ nods, “Okay, well—do you wanna hang out sometime? Get to know each other?” He chuckles nervously. “I mean, you’re the new kid on the block, right— I’ve lived here forever. So there are...there are reasons for you to hang out with me.”

“You want me to hang out with you?”

“Um, yeah, if that’s cool with you…”

Cyrus sighs, “If I say yes, will you sign for your damn order?”

TJ signs for it at lightning speed, promptly throwing the takeaway bag behind him and into the trash can. 

TJ smiles, “So, yeah, eight o’clock?” 

———

**_SO YEAH._ **

TJ trudged up the millions of steps leading to the park, hands stuffed in the pockets of his winter coat. Cyrus stood at the top of the steps, leaning against the railing. He wore a black jacket, but TJ could still see flashes electric blue of the penguin hoodie underneath as he shifted. 

“Why are you just standing there?” TJ asks, working his way up the stairs.

Cyrus turns around, “Dude, I’m totally waiting on you.” 

“Oh.” TJ’s face flushed with embarrassment. “I just assumed you were too cool to be here on time.” 

“You assumed wrong.” Cyrus turns back around and starts walking. TJ stands there for a moment, staring slack-jawed at the boy. He notices how far he’s gotten and jogs to his side.

“So, how’d you end up in Shadyside?” TJ asks. 

“Just needed to escape, I guess.”

“Oh, yeah,” TJ shivers.

“I got this job here, and Jonah said that Shadyside was one of his safe havens, so…” Cyrus spins around to face TJ.

“Is Jonah...your boyfriend?” TJ asks hesitantly. 

“He’s…” Cyrus trails off, looking away. “A friend.” 

TJ presses, “ _Was_ he your boyfriend?” 

“Do you mind if we don’t get into that right now?” Cyrus turns around and starts walking.

“Oh, it’s _so_ not interesting to me,” TJ lies. He starts to follow Cyrus blindly, who leads him to the old swing set.

“So what about you?” Cyrus asks. “What do you do?” 

“Oh, I’m just kind of existing. I go to school, I’m in between jobs at the moment—”

“Between what and what?” Cyrus sits down on the swing. 

“Well, my last job was a long story filled with sighs.” TJ sits on the swing and gazes at Cyrus. His eyes are fixed on the flush of his cheeks—probably from the cold. A few flurries made their way into his hair, and all TJ wants to do is run his hands through it.

“I know plenty of those,” Cyrus sighs.

“Is that why you left?”

“Pretty much…” he nods, “It was just time to head somewhere a little more chilled.” 

“It’s, uh...it’s certainly chilled here,” TJ chuckles.

“Yeah.”

TJ knows he should stop, but he wants so badly to make a good impression.“It’s chilled as in ‘cold’…” 

Cyrus looks at him incredulously, “...yeah.” He stands up, and starts to walk away again, and like before, TJ follows.

“It’s ridiculously cold for Utah,” Cyrus says, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “The snow isn’t helping much.”

“I know, I can barely see you!” TJ says in an attempt to be quirky. It fails. He tries again, “This whole thing is an unmitigated disaster.” 

“I think ‘act of God’ is a pretty decent excuse for a lousy date.” 

TJ stops in his tracks, “This is a date?”

“Oh, did I say date?” Cyrus turns around, “Slip of the tongue.”

TJ nods, “Tongues,” he replies stupidly. 

“Anyway, night’s not over yet.” Cyrus whips his head back and squints, “I think there’s a thingy over here somewhere.”

TJ furrows his brows, “A thingy?”

“A door,” Cyrus says over his shoulder. When he turns back around, sure enough, there is a white door in the middle of the park. It’s without a doorknob, and it has a large black star on it. Cyrus holds out his hand, “Come on.”

TJ stares, dumbfounded at the gesture. He debated on whether or not he should take the boy’s hand—if he should go down this path again.

He does. He’d be stupid not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're now twenty-three minutes in!


	5. Garbage Man + Fireball Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as Buffy hits the cymbal, it’s like a switch is turned on inside of each of them. They fell into a rhythm on a frequency that only they could understand, and the product was TJ’s love proclamation to his dreamy delivery boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! hi. 
> 
> this one is a doozy! i had to get a chapter out before the finale aired because i knew that as soon as it comes out, everything else in this tag is gonna be buried with b[redacted]h content. 
> 
> please see the end notes for some words from me about the making of this chapter (is this a cool thing to do? i dunno, but i have a lot to say about this one)

“What kind of tea do you want?” Cyrus asks. The door took them to Cyrus’ apartment, which was inviting and cozy—nothing like the talks he’s had with him. He sits awkwardly at his dining room table.

“There’s more than one kind?”

Cyrus opens the cabinet, “We have...blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, Sleepytime, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffle, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, Constant Comment, and Earl Grey.”

TJ can’t do anything but stare, “Did you make some of those up?”

The kettle whistles and Cyrus pulls a box out of the cabinet, “I think I’ll have Sleepytime.” 

“That sounds good to me.” 

Cyrus nods and turns to turn the stove off. A few moments later, he places two steaming mugs in front of TJ. TJ closes his eyes, embracing the glow of warmth from the mugs. Cyrus chuckles, “Want me to go get you a blanket?”

“That would actually be awesome…” 

Cyrus spins around, walking down the hallway, and TJ cranes his neck to watch him go. He sighs and slumps in his chair. Cyrus was so perfect that sometimes it hurt TJ’s head to think about him. The dreams he had were hard enough to bear, but now he’s inside his _house_. He never imagined this would be real, he thought Cyrus Goodman had been an all-too-good fever dream. 

TJ stood up, wrapping his arms around himself, and started to wander aimlessly around the kitchen. He was hesitant to actually touch anything, but that didn’t stop him from gazing at all of the knick-knacks he had lying around. _For someone who just got here, he seems awfully at home…_

Before he could stop himself, he was walking down the same hall that Cyrus disappeared down. He keeps his head down, glancing up every now and again at the doors that passed. At the end of the hall is a room with the door wide open. He slowly walks into it, and his breath gets caught in his throat. 

“Dude, I’m changing.” 

“Ah, sorry!” TJ quickly covers his eyes. “I’m just cold…”

“Here, is this better?” 

“Wow, that is warm, what is that?” TJ feels his hands moving away from his eyes, and Cyrus is standing extremely close to him. TJ feels his heart beat faster, and butterflies erupt in his stomach. 

“It’s a dinosaur blanket,” Cyrus says. He pulls the blanket in front of him so TJ can see. “There’s a little hood and hand flaps, too, so you can wrap it around yourself.” TJ’s face flushes, and he looks Cyrus up and down. He’s wearing dinosaur-print pajamas.

A smile creeps onto TJ’s face. “I didn’t know you were a fan of dinosaurs.” 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Cyrus says.

“I want to,” TJ admits. “Get to know you, I mean.” 

“Oh, really?” Cyrus asks, a sly smile on his face. “And why’s that?”

“Because you’re...you’re you!” TJ exclaims. “I mean, you’re all mysterious and punctual and you’re always on my mind, and you just showed up in my dreams one day and—”

Cyrus cuts him off by kissing him. His lips are soft and warm, and TJ feels like his heart is exploding. Before he can get used to it or kiss him back, Cyrus pulls away. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before—”

“No!” TJ interrupts. He flushes with embarrassment, “I mean—you don’t have to ask. It’s cool. I’m cool, _please_ do it again.” 

Cyrus grins up at TJ and grabs the hood on the blanket, pulling him down to meet his lips. 

TJ’s never been that good of a kisser. He’s always been afraid of messing up by doing something wrong or being too forward or not forward enough. But with Cyrus, it’s simple. He’s kissing him on the lips, and all he can feel is how soft and warm the boy's lips are and the butterflies fluttering in his stomach. TJ cups his jaw—his skin is so smooth and soft, and he can’t believe he’s actually _kissing_ him. He moves his hands to tangle his fingers in the hairs on the back of his neck, and—

Cyrus pulls away, “I...I changed my mind.”

TJ tilts his head in confusion, “Changed it to what...from what?” 

“I’m not ready to move into anything yet…” He bites his lip.

“Oh,” TJ says. “Okay.” He can’t help but sound disappointed. 

“It’s not like I’m gonna send you home in a snowstorm or anything. You can sleep here.”

TJ feels his face flush. “Oh, um, okay.”

“And,” Cyrus continues. “I reserve the right to change my mind later.”

“This is fine,” TJ says quickly. “It’s nice. Just this...um, whatever this is. I don’t want to rush you, and I think I needed this. Just this. So, um, thank you.”

Cyrus smiles, “You’re welcome.”

———

“Hey, so, can this not be a one-night stand?” TJ walked alongside Cyrus through his yard and onto the sidewalk. “For one thing, I didn’t even get any, so…” He waited for Cyrus to laugh. “That—that was a joke.”

Cyrus drops his skateboard, and turns around to face TJ, “What did you have in mind?” 

“Oh! Uh, come to the first round of this Battle of the Bands thing.”

“You have a band?” He looked unimpressed.

TJ nods, grinning like an idiot, “Yeah, we’re terrible. Please come?”

Cyrus sighs, “Sure.” He steps onto his skateboard, ready to leave until TJ stops him.

“Oh, wait! Can I get your number?”

Cyrus holds out a piece of paper that somehow appeared out of thin air. TJ doesn’t question it, snatching it from his fingertips.

**_Cyrus_ **

**_212-664-7665_ **

**_X X X X X X X_ **

“Wow…” he says. “Boy number.”

Cyrus turns around, kicking off on his skateboard. “See you at the show, TJ Kippen.”

TJ smiles fondly down at the piece of paper in his hands. He can’t believe it. After last night, he figured he threw every shot he had out the window, but here he is, holding Cyrus Goodman’s phone number in his hands. Would he frame it? Would Kip think that was weird? Would he even call him before the show tonight? Only if he worked up the courage to, which would be hard, because he’s saving all of his nerves for right before the show—shit. He looks up, realizing he never told Cyrus anything else about the show.

“Oh, hey, it’s tonight!” He calls out. “At the Ro—”

———

**_THE ROCKIT_ **

**FUN FACT: THIS PLACE IS A TOILET**

The RockIt looks like someone renovated an abandoned Hot Topic into a hole-in-the-wall dive bar with live music. It’s dark, and it smells like cigarettes, alcohol, and wannabe musicians. Circular tables hug the walls, and the sounds of people chattering and bands tuning up fill the space. TJ is standing in the middle of the floor, talking to Amber and Kip, when he sees him. 

“Hey, you totally came!” He exclaims. 

“I did totally come,” Cyrus replies. He’s wearing a different hoodie—one with a dinosaur on it, and TJ can’t help but remember the night before. After Cyrus skated away, TJ ran home and wrote songs about him until band practice. He showed them to Andi, who, surprisingly, approved one of them. She and Buffy had always been particular about the types of songs they let appear in their set—they were usually Buffy’s angry-sounding anthems—but they learned his, and, after nearly an hour of begging and pleading, they decided to play it tonight. He was going to get to play the song he wrote about the boy of his dreams _to_ the boy of his dreams. Was he dreaming? 

“Please excuse my brother, he’s chronically enfeebled.” Shit, was he staring? He couldn’t remember if he’d looked away from Cyrus or not. “I’m Amber.”

Cyrus looks to the blonde, “Hey.”

She points over her right shoulder, “This is our brother Kip.”

He offered Cyrus a small wave, “Hey.”

“This is my girlfriend Libby.”

“Hey…” Kip says, leaning behind Amber to look at her. 

An expression TJ knows all too well emerges on Amber’s face, “Oh, and this is Kira!” 

Kira appears out of nowhere, “Hey!” 

TJ’s eyes widen with fear. “Hey…!” His grin is wide and wild, and he knows he definitely looks like Ronald McDonald on crack, but that’s because he was overcompensating for the fact that he _did not want Kira to be here_. He didn’t think it could get any worse until Kira jumped into his arms and kissed him. On the mouth. In front of Cyrus. 

When she pulls away, he wears the same surprised expression. Kira doesn’t notice how weird he looks. “Do you like it?” she asks. Her hair is straightened, and it gives him weird flashbacks to when he sat in Bex’s bathroom with Andi and Buffy when Buffy decided to straighten hers. She looks pretty, for sure. 

But she’s not Cyrus.

“Well, I, uh…” he starts. He waits for someone else to comment, but no one does. He swallows hard. Everyone’s looking at him like they can see right through him. And what if they can? He never exactly told Cyrus that he had a girlfriend, but Amber never introduced Kira as his girlfriend. Maybe there’s a way around this? But what if there isn’t? Oh, God, what would Cyrus think about him? He’s so perfect, and he could’ve just ruined everything. But it’s not like he can just tell Kira that he was never really into her. It’ll just prove everybody right. His ears start ringing, and he inhales sharply, “...have to go…” He turns around and runs off. Literally. 

Once TJ finds the band, he hears the judge on stage, “Okay, uh, this next band is from Brampton, and they are Crash and the Boys.” 

Andi flips through a large sketchpad, each page containing the profile of each band member. She’s muttering under her breath as she turns each page. “This is a nightmare,” Andi says to herself. She turns away from the board, “Is this a nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up…” she starts pacing, running her fingers through her hair. 

TJ leans against the closed door of the green room. He shouldn’t really call it a green room, it’s more like an oversized supply closet with a couch and a lamp. 

“Once we’re on stage, you’ll be fine,” Buffy consoles. 

Andi scoffs, “We were just on stage for soundcheck and the sound guy hated us!” 

TJ slams his fists against the door, inhaling sharply, “It’s just nerves, pre-show jitters!” He was mostly telling that to himself. He walks over to the stairs that lead to the stage, “People love us, right?”

Andi was too busy freaking out to hear him. TJ looks out into the crowd and sees Cyrus sitting with his siblings and Kira on the balcony. 

“Hey, Libby,” Kip starts. “Do they rock or suck?”

Libby furrows her brows and opens her mouth. “There’s no music,” she says slowly. 

It’s a little hard for Kip to understand, but he spots the hearing aid hidden behind one of her curls. He looks at her so she can see his lips, “That was a test, Libby. You passed.” 

“Good evening.” The band, presumably Crash and the Boys, stands on stage, and they almost blend in with their surroundings. “My name is Crash. These are the Boys.” 

“Is that girl a boy, too?” Kip yells. 

The guy on stage, Crash, glares up at him. “Yes.” 

The girl in question is their drummer, and she looks like she’s eight years old. She flips him off. 

“They have a girl drummer?” Buffy seethes through clenched teeth. 

“This song is called ‘I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad.’ Goes a little something like this.” 

_SO SAD!_

“Thank you.” 

Kip laughs, “Not a race, guys!” 

Amber and Cyrus roll their eyes.

“Alright, this next song goes out to the guy that keeps yelling from the balcony. It’s called, ‘We Hate You, Please Die.’”

Kip puts his arm around Libby, “Sweet! I love this one.” 

TJ and the rest of the band watch from backstage. Andi pulls at her hair anxiously and starts to pace again. She starts panicking, but it’s getting drowned out by the music. 

**_HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THIS? WE’RE NOT GONNA WIN, WE’RE NOT GONNA SIGN WITH J-BECK, WE’LL NEVER PLAY OPENING NIGHT AT THE CHAOS THEATRE_ ** **—**

**_GODDAMN IT, TJ, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP JUST STANDING THERE? YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT!_ **

The song ends with scattered applause. Up on the balcony, Amber enacts her ingenious mini-plan. 

“So,” Amber pokes Cyrus’ arm. “How do you know TJ?”

“He’s a friend,” Cyrus replies simply. 

She has a devious smile on her face. She knew her brother was too stupid to actually take her advice. “Yeah, it’s hard for me to keep track sometimes, because he just has _so many friends_.”

Cyrus gives her a weird look. 

“Oh, Kira!” Amber calls, “How did you meet TJ?” 

“Well…” she starts, grinning. 

TJ has been staring up at Cyrus since Crash’s set ended, and he watches as the unthinkable happens. Kira and Cyrus are talking. To each other. 

_Oh no,_ he thinks, _this_ is _a nightmare._

TJ quickly turns around and slaps Andi. “We need to play now, and loud. 

Andi nods, “Yep, okay.”

Kira is leaning in to talk to Amber and Cyrus, “So I was on the bus with my mom—” She glances over to the stage. 

“Is that seriously the end of your story?” Cyrus asks, his voice coming off sharp. 

Kira doesn’t hear him, though, and she lunges toward the rail of the balcony. “ _Oh my gosh!”_ She turns to the rest of the group, “They’re _on!”_

“Okay, uh…” The announcer begins. “This next band is from Shadyside, and, uh...yeah. Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb…”

The entire room is silent, aside from Kira’s screaming. TJ looks horrified. 

Andi steps up to the mic, “Teej, you ready?” He replies with a curt nod. “Okay, Buffy, are you—”

“ _We are Sex Bob-Omb, one, two, three four!”_

As soon as Buffy hits the cymbal, it’s like a switch is turned on inside of each of them. They fell into a rhythm on a frequency that only they could understand, and the product was TJ’s love proclamation to his dreamy delivery boy. 

_Oh, oh, oh_

_I’ll take you for a ride_

_On my garbage truck_

_Oh no_

_I’ll take you to the dump_

Gus stands backstage, leaning against one of the amps, mumbling along with the song. 

_‘Cause you’re my king_

_I’ll take you uptown_

_I’ll show you the sights, you know you wanna ride_

TJ leans up into his mic, and he looks up a Cyrus, “ _On my garbage truck._ ” 

He’s nodding along to the song, a small smile playing on his lips, and it makes TJ’s heart soar. 

Andi and TJ lean into their mics for the next line. They give each other a glance and grin.

_Truck, truck, truck!_

TJ stomps on his pedal, and he can hear his heartbeat in his head. 

_We’ll pass the mansions by_

_Drive right through the needle’s eye, oh my_

“Oh no,” Gus sings. “My,” he corrects himself. 

_My, my, my, my, my_

_I’ve got a stereo_

_You just gotta turn the knob_

_And, baby, we’ll go_

_As far as we can_

_I’ll be your garbage man_

Each time they sing that line, TJ makes sure to look up at Cyrus. It’s kind of surreal to think that the boy if his dreams is even here right now, listening to the song he wrote about him, and actually _liking_ it.

_I'll take out your junk_

_And I'll crush it down—_

Something bursts through the ceiling of the warehouse with a loud crash. TJ looks up and realizes it isn’t some _thing_ , but some _one_. A literal person comes flying through the comet-sized hole in the ceiling, pointing an accusing finger towards the band. No, not towards the band, towards TJ.

“Mr. Kippen!” he says. He lands on the stage in front of TJ. “It is I!” He pumps his fist into the air and strikes a pose. “Leo Kaplan. Consider our fight...begun!”

TJ is frozen in fear and confusion. Time seems to slow down, and Leo leaps into the air, his fist pulled back, ready to punch. “What did I do?” He asks. “What do I do?”

He hears Kip yelling from the balcony, “ _FIGHT!”_

That’s enough to sober TJ up. He unplugs his bass and throws it to Gus, who clumsily catches it. TJ narrows his eyes and pulls his right fist back. He blocks the first hit with his forearm and decks Leo with a right hook. It’s powerful enough to knock Leo back into the air, but he lands swiftly onto the stage. The crowd gasps.

“Alright…” He slowly moves to stand. “Alright…” 

“Hey, watch out!” Kip calls from the balcony, “It’s that one guy.”

TJ scoffs, and Leo starts running towards him. Something surges through TJ, and he spins around and kicks him square in the face. Leo flies across the room, but TJ still wants more. He leaps into the air and hits Leo with an uppercut. TJ pummels him, delivering blow after blow to his face. He pulls back for a moment, looking at the damage he’s done to Leo’s face until the same cloud of unadulterated rage falls over him again, and he slams Leo down into the floor. 

Leo falls hard, but it doesn’t seem to have an effect on him. Within moments, he’s standing and blowing the dust off of his tacky striped shirt. He circles TJ, letting out a malicious chuckle. “Well, well, well. You’re quite the opponent, Kippen.” His head moves with each syllable of his last name. 

“Who the hell are you, anyway?” TJ spits.

“My _name_ is Leo Kaplan!” He strikes the same pose as before, “and I am Cyrus’ first—” He holds up a finger to the crowd, “...evil ex-boyfriend.” He moves his shoulders along with the syllables again, and TJ cringes. 

Wait. TJ turns around to the balcony, “His what?” 

Everyone whips their heads to look at Cyrus. “Anyone need another drink?” he asks nervously.

Leo lunges at TJ, doing a lot of weird flips that he didn’t really understand. He did, however, block almost every punch and kick Leo tried to throw at him. But why the hell was this guy even trying to fight him? 

“Wait!” TJ says, “We’re fighting over Cyrus?” 

Leo stops, “Well, yeah...didn’t you get my email explaining the situation?” 

TJ nods, “I skimmed it.”

Up on the balcony, Kip sighs and shakes his head. 

Leo growls, “You will pay for your insolence!” He runs at TJ again, who continues to dodge him. He’s doing pretty well for someone who hasn’t done anything remotely physical since middle school, but the streak ends when Leo’s fist connects with his nose. He’s knocked into the crowd, who pushes him back into the fight.

“Hey,” Kip says. He’s leaning over the rail, bottle in hand. “What’s up with his outfit?”

“Yeah, is he a pirate?” Someone else adds. The crowd snickers.

“Are you a pirate?” TJ asks. If TJ had to be honest, he does look a little stupid. He’s wearing galoshes, but he cuffed them to fit over his jeans. The striped shirt doesn’t help, either.

“Pirates are in this year,” Leo stutters. He quickly regains his scowl, “Die!” 

This time, TJ is the one to run at him. He grabs Leo’s wrist and twists his arm until he pins himself. He looks up to the balcony again, “You really went out with this guy?” 

The spotlight moves from the fight onto Cyrus. Literally.

“Well, yeah,” Cyrus says. “In the seventh grade.” He rises from his chair. 

“And?”

Cyrus sighs and looks away. He folds his arms and leans against the railing, “It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Leo was my locker buddy, and he was the only non-white, non-jock queer boy in town, so the two of us joined forces, and we took ‘em all down.”

“Why are you rhyming?” TJ wonders aloud.

Cyrus didn’t hear him, too enthralled in the story, “We brawled and scrapped and fought for hours; nothing could beat Leo’s mystical powers.” Cyrus looks down at TJ, “We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.” 

“Dude, wait,” TJ says, “Mystical powers?

Leo shoves TJ off of him, and points up at Cyrus, “You’ll pay for this.” Music starts to fade in, and Leo whips back around to face TJ.

_If you want to fight me_

_Ha! You’re not the brightest_

TJ gaped at the display. It was horrifying. Was this choreographed? 

_You won’t know what’s hit you in the slightest!_

Leo circles TJ once more, adjusts his posture and _literally starts floating into the air_. He throws his fist in the air, and his fingertips are engulfed in flames. “What the hell?” TJ yells. Leo spins around in midair, and four weird holographic demon chicks surround him like a posse. 

“This guy’s good!” Gus says to Andi. 

_Me and my fireballs_

Leo pushes more flames out of his hand, and TJ watches him with furrowed brows. “Did you—did you _enter_ this competition?”

_My demon hipster chicks!_

The “demon hipster chicks” have gargoyle wings, sharp teeth, and fishnets. 

_(Tell ‘em, Leo)_

_I’l talking the talk ‘cause I know I’m slick_

Leo winks at him, and he feels nauseous. 

_(S-L-ICK)_

_Fireball!_

He shoots a fireball at TJ, who tries to run away. It strikes the floor underneath his shoes, causing him to fly upwards.

_Take this sucker down, down!_

Fire flows from Leo’s hands like water from a gardening hose, hitting the equipment. Buffy barely has enough time to get away from her drum set before it explodes. Leo launches more fire out, and it completely vaporizes Crash and the Boys. 

TJ eyes a stray cymbal by his feet.

_Let us show them what we’re all about!_

TJ darts toward the discarded cymbal, dodging streams of fire. “That doesn’t even rhyme!” he yells. He takes the cymbal in his hands and throws it like a cymbal. It hits Leo in the temple, and his demon hipster chicks vanish. He flips in the air, weak and dazed.

“This is impossible...how can this be?” he mutters. 

TJ glares up at him, “Open your eyes, and maybe you’ll see.” He gets a running start and leaps into the air. With every ounce of force he could muster, he swings his fist as hard as he can. 

**K.O.!**

Leo vanishes from thin air, and coins fall into the spotlight where he once remained. 

**1000 POINTS**

“Sweet, coins!” TJ says, kneeling to pick them up. 

“Well,” Cyrus huffs. He turns to Amber, “it was nice meeting you. Oh, and tell your brother and his girlfriend I said bye.” He flashes her a smile and quickly exits.

“What?” Amber turns his head to see Kip and Libby making out. “Kip! Again?” 

TJ stands, counting the coins in his hand. “Oh man,” he sighs, “2.40? That isn’t even enough for the bus home…” 

“I’ll lend you the thirty-five cents,” Cyrus says quickly. He grabs TJ’s hand and tugs him out of the warehouse.

The judge walks onto the stage while parts of the crew put out the flaming equipment. “Yeah, so…Sex Bob-Omb wins.”

Kira sits up, steadying herself using the rails of the balcony. “Sex Bob-Omb won?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, finally! we're around thirty six minutes in. 
> 
> i took some creative liberties when it comes to the first scene. i love this movie, i really do, and i try to stray away from it as little as possible, but teej and cyrus are babies, and i'm nowhere near comfortable having them make out without clothes and shit. sorry. so, i had to write that entire scene without help, which is DIFFICULT. i applaud all authors all over the world.
> 
> the formatting of this chapter is gonna be a little weird, i'm not gonna lie. i wrote out two (three?) of the songs, and i somehow had to cut between sbo and the gang, so things are going to be a little all over the place. i apologize, but what can you do. 
> 
> anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. idk when the next chapter will be up, i might be too busy crying over the finale, but not to worry! this story won't have spoilers. 
> 
> !!!dont forget to show ur luv :o)


	6. New New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just sort of feel like I’m on drugs when I’m with you,” he says sheepishly. TJ’s eyes widen as soon as he realizes what he said. “Not that I do drugs,” he rushes. “Unless you do drugs, in which case, I do drugs all the time— every drug.” He inhales a sharp breath to try to stop himself. “Just...when I’m with you, things sort of seem a little brighter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi! happy august, friends. this was a little bit of a pain to write, so sorry about the wait. but it's here now, so yay.  
> skip to the end for a movie timestamp and some words from me

**LATER ON**

“So...what was all that all about?” TJ and Cyrus haven’t looked at each other once since stepping foot on the bus. 

“Um…” Cyrus stares straight ahead, looking as if he’d just seen a ghost. He turns his head to look at TJ, “If we’re gonna date, you may have to defeat my seven evil exes.”

TJ’s eyes widen, “You have seven evil ex-boyfriends?” 

“Seven evil exes, yes.”

“And I have to fight—”

“Defeat,” Cyrus corrects.

“—defeat your seven evil exes if we’re going to continue to date?”

Cyrus lets out a long sigh and nods, “Pretty much.”

“So what you’re saying right now is that...we _are_ dating?” 

Cyrus shrugs, “Yeah, I guess.” 

“Does that mean you’ll kiss me?” TJ asks a little too quickly. 

Cyrus chuckles, “Sure.”

“Cool.”

———

When TJ arrives home, he can hear the _Seinfeld_ entrance music before he walks in—Kip is cooking. 

TJ walks through the door and does a victory dance. He whips his coat off, throws it down onto the ground, and strides over to the kitchen. Kip smirks, “Someone’s happy.”

“Well, _someone_ had a date with a dreamy delivery boy, and _someone_ has a second date tonight.” 

Kip nods, “Someone’s lucky, then.” He goes back to poking at whatever is in the pan over the stove.

TJ opens the door to the bathroom, “You know when I say ‘someone’ I mean me, right? I had a date last night.” The episode of Seinfeld seems to follow his conversation because a chorus of ‘oooooooh’s come from the TV. He starts to walk in but quickly turns back. “Well it was more like a kiss on the bus.” He hears the laugh track from the TV and shuts the door.

TJ comes out of the bathroom dressed in his trusty monochromatic camo hoodie. “So, I invited Cyrus over for dinner tonight...so you can’t be here.” TJ takes his plate and sits in the Easy Chair. 

Kip sighs in annoyance, “Okay, Teej,” he turns off the small kitchen TV. “But in return, I have to issue an ultimatum.” 

TJ slumps into the chair, “One of your famous ultimatums?”

“It may live in infamy,” Kip walks over to the Easy Chair and points his spatula at TJ. “You have to break up with Kira. Today.” 

TJ sighs, “But it’s _hard_ …” he whines. 

“If you don’t, I’m going to tell Cyrus about Kira, I swear to God, TJ.”

The bathroom door opens. _Good morning_ , Libby signs.

TJ points an accusing finger at Libby, “Double standard!” 

“Hey, I didn’t make up the relationship rulebook, if you’ve got a problem with it—” Kip bats TJ’s hand with the spatula, “—stop pointing, it’s rude.”

“You’re a monster,” TJ groans.

“Give me the bacon and go do your dirt while I watch the Walker Brodsky marathon.” Kip takes the plate from TJ and drops the spatula onto the side table.

“Who’s Walker Brodsky?”

“Oh!” Kip pulls a magazine out from under TJ. “He was this pretty good artist, then he was this pretty good skater, now he’s this pretty good actor.” He slaps TJ with the magazine, “He’s filming a Winifred Hailey movie in Shadyside right now.”

“They make movies in Shadyside?” 

“Yes,” Kip answers. He throws the magazine down onto a pile of newspapers, each with Walker Brodsky’s face on it. “I’m stalking him later.”

TJ chuckles, “So this Walker Brodsky—”

“Walker Brodsky is not important to you right now. Get out.” TJ stands up and Kip quickly takes his spot in the chair. He leans over and grabs the remote, turning on Spike. 

“You suck,” TJ says, grabbing his coat off of the rack. 

“Out.” On the TV is a Walker Brodsky film. From the pictures, he doesn’t look like much of an apocalyptic-action-thriller kind of guy, but that’s exactly what the movie is.

“Surprising no one,” TJ mutters.

“Out, TJ!” Kip turns the volume up on the TV. 

On the screen, Walker Brodsky dials numbers into a payphone using a gun. _“Now you listen close, and you listen hard, bucko,”_ he says. _“The next click you’ll hear is me hanging up. The one after that…”_ The camera spins around him, showing the blood on his face and the small number two tattooed on his neck. _“...is me pulling the trigger.”_

———

TJ stands in the phonebooth, anxiously tapping his foot as the line rings. The line clicks, and he talks quickly, “Oh, hey Kira. Um, hey, do you wanna, like, talk or whatever?” 

_“Are you wearing a camo jacket...like a hoodie?”_

“Um…”

“... and a dorky hairstyle?” 

TJ runs a hand through his hair that’s oddly free of gel, “It’s not dorky. Why are you psychic?”

Something slams hard against the phonebooth, and TJ jumps. He whips around to look at it, and Kira is pressed against the glass, cell phone in hand. “Hey!” 

“Hey,” TJ answers, hanging up the phone. He stares at her guiltily and gulps. This isn’t good.

———

**HEY.**

TJ somehow winds up with Kira at Goodwill. He really didn’t want to do this. “Oh my god,” Kira says. “I can’t believe T-CAD’s coming to town.”

They’re standing in front of a _The Clash at Demonhead_ cardboard cutout, and TJ feels like he can’t breathe.

“Will you take me to the show?” she asks. Kira turns to look through the CDs, and TJ is thankful he won’t have to see her face for what he’s about to do. 

“Yeah...listen, um—”

“Oh, hey,” Kira spins around again. “I wanted to invite you over for dinner. To meet my parents. It’s my birthday dinner.” 

Oh shit. Oh no. This is not good. TJ sits on the edge of the CD case. “I think that’s a really _bad_ idea.”

“Why?”

“Because…” Shit. Why was it such a bad idea, other than the fact that he’s totally not into her and dating Cyrus? “...I’m too old for you.”

Kira scoffs, “No you’re not. My dad is nine years older than my mom.”

Well. That went well. “Are you even _allowed_ to date, Kira?”

“I don’t care, TJ!” She tries to meet his eyes, but he looks away. “I’m in...I’m in _love_.”

TJ freezes. _Love_ ? The words float towards him like a cloud, and TJ is an airplane’s engine, shredding it until it disappears. This is exactly what he’s been trying to avoid. This was supposed to be _fun_ , why did it have to be love? It sure as hell wasn’t love for him. How did he get here? Why didn’t he just break up with Kira when he first met Cyrus? Well, now he’s in too deep, with a girlfriend he doesn’t even like, and a boyfriend that he doesn’t deserve? How hard is it to just say it? _Kira, I don’t think this is working out. Kira, you’re a great girl, but you’re just not the one for me. Kira, we’re done. Kira, maybe we should go our separate ways._

“Kira, we should break up.”

Kira’s entire face falls. “Really?”

TJ runs a hand through his hair, “It’s just not working out.”

She looks like a kicked puppy, and TJ’s stomach twists. He has to get out of there. So he does.

———

TJ slumps into his spot on the bus. He completely forgot he had band practice tonight. Not only did he not want to go, but he feels like he’s betraying Kira by going. Kira loved SBO, she was the first person to ever get a shirt made— he can’t help but think of how admirable Kira was as a fan. She was OK as a girlfriend. They never got far enough for TJ to even consider her as one of his exes. 

Shit. He was probably her first boyfriend. Great, now he feels like shit. And now he has to go to band practice and feel his chest burn every time he looks over to the couch, only to find the space where she should be. 

But then he remembers—he invited Cyrus. Well, he told Cyrus where to come to pick him up for their date. A smile stretched across TJ’s face at the thought. He had a _date_ with _Cyrus_ . _Again._ His heart races every time he thinks about the delivery boy. 

TJ hops off the bus and starts to Gus’ house with a spring in his step. 

Maybe things will turn out fine.

———

“Where’s Kira?” Buffy says into her mic. “Not coming?” She almost looks relieved. 

“Nah, we broke up,” he replies. He sounds indifferent, which is good. “Hey, check this out, I’m learning the bass line for ‘Roundabout’, listen.” He can feel everyone’s eyes on him, but it’s better if he just forgets about Kira. 

“TJ, you are the salt of the Earth.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Buffy takes a moment to stare at him before leaning into her mic again, “I meant scum of the Earth.” 

He nods and continues plucking away at his bass. 

Gus looks up from the equipment he was setting up with furrowed brows, “You broke up with Kira?”

“Yeah...but don’t worry. Maybe soon you’ll meet my new-new love interest.”

Buffy holds her fingers to her head and pretends to shoot herself. She crashes on her cymbals as her head falls.

Andi sighs, “Okay. From here on out, no girlfriends or lovey-dovey talk at practice. Whether they’re old, new, or new-new.” She points at Gus, who clutches the mic stand he was setting up. “We were lucky to survive the last round. It’s sudden death now, okay?”

TJ nods, “Okay.” He plugs in his bass and they start with one of their newer songs. Everything seems to be going smoothly, until—

**_DING DONG_ **

“That’s for me!” TJ exclaims. He struggles through pulling his bass off of him, “That’s for me, that’s for me.” Once he gets it off, he hands it to Gus. He runs to pull open the front door. 

“Hey! You’re here…” He can’t help but stare at Cyrus, who looked completely different. He looks like he crawled out of the kids' section of an Old Navy catalog. Instead of his usual hoodies, he’s wearing a leather jacket overtop an orange flannel, and a black beanie. A stupidly cute black beanie that would look stupid and disgusting if anyone else was wearing it. 

He can’t help but stare at the stupid thing, “You know your look?”

Cyrus nods, “I know of it.”

“It’s all new…” TJ drawls.

Cyrus chuckles, “I change my look every week and a half, dude, get used to it.” Cyrus turns to look at the band. “So...how do you guys all know each other?”

Gus looks away, fiddling with the strings of TJ’s bass. “Um...high school, I guess.”

Andi nods stiffly, pointing behind her at Gus. “What Gus said.” 

He waves, “I’m Gus.”

Buffy turns to Cyrus, a grin stretched wide across her face, “Believe it or not, TJ and I were rivals until the end of my freshman year.”

Cyrus raises a brow in intrigue, “Oh, got any embarrassing stories?”

“Yeah, he’s an idiot.” Well, the smile didn’t last very long. 

Before Buffy can say anything embarrassing, TJ grabs Cyrus’ shoulder, “Okay, bye, see you guys tomorrow!” He starts to usher him out the door.

“Wait! What about rehearsal?” Andi calls.

“Gus knows my parts,” TJ responds over his shoulder. 

———

**_AND THEN…_ **

Cyrus takes his shoes off at the door, and TJ can’t help but watch him with accusing eyes. Kip stands next to him, leaning against the kitchen counter. “You doin’ okay there?” 

“Yeah,” TJ replies, a little too loud. “Good, good, good…” He works at the garlic press in his hands and watches as Cyrus walks towards the bathroom. As soon as the door shuts behind him, the garlic press clatters against the counter. “He changed his look.”

“So?” Kip replies. “He looks nice.”

“Yeah, I know,” he snaps, “but he did it without even making a big deal of it or anything.” TJ takes a breath, “He’s fickle, impulsive, spontaneous. God, what am I gonna do?”

“Wow, can’t believe you’re worried about _my_ relationships.” 

Cyrus emerges from the bathroom, and TJ plasters a smile on his face.

“So, how’s dinner coming along?” He walks over to Scott and leans against the counter.

“Yeah, good, good, good…”

Kip throws TJ a glance, “Okay, well, I’m gonna leave you lovebirds to it.” He walks over to the coat rack, “I am heading to Midtown to stalk my hetero-crush.”

TJ runs over to the door. When Kip tries to open the door, TJ slaps his hand against it, slamming it shut. “Don’t go,” he whispers desperately. 

“Will you man the hell up?” Kip clasps a hand on TJ’s shoulder. “You could get to first-and-a-half base tonight.”

“You think so?”

“Well,” Kip glances over to Cyrus, “If you strike out in the next hour, come find me at the castle.”

TJ furrows his brows, “If I strike out?” 

“Okay, _when_.” Kip grabs the door, “See you in 60.”

The door slams shut once more, and TJ steps back. He casts his nervous gaze to Cyrus, who meets it with a smile.

———

**15 MINUTES LATER**

The pair sit on the floor in front of the Easy chair, a glass bowl full of garlic bread in front of them. Beside TJ is a two liter of _Coke Zero_.

“This is actually really good garlic bread,” Cyrus comments.

TJ nods, “Garlic bread is my favorite food. I could honestly eat it for every meal. Or just eat it all the time without even stopping.”

“You’d get fat,” Cyrus deadpans.

Tj shakes his head, “No, why would I get fat?” He takes another bite.

“Bread makes you fat.”

“Bread makes you _fat_?”

———

**30 MINUTES LATER**

“I wrote a song about you.”

TJ sits in the Easy Chair, absentmindedly strumming his guitar. Cyrus stares up at him from the floor, “You did?”

“Yeah, it goes like this.” 

TJ strums a chord before singing. _“Dream boy.._.”

He glances up at Cyrus before looking back down at his guitar, _“His heart devoid...”_

_On my mind_

_The one I want_

TJ plucked a few more chords, letting the sound fizzle out, and he looked up at Cyrus with a proud smile. 

“Can’t wait to hear it when it’s finished.”

TJ’s smile falters, “Finished?”

———

**45 MINUTES LATER**

TJ and Cyrus are sprawled out on the floor, giggling and sharing chaste kisses. Cyrus runs his hands through TJ’s hair. “Your hair’s pretty long…” 

“Oh God,” TJ pulls away, “I need a haircut, don’t I?” 

Cyrus tilts his head, “What?” 

“No, sorry, I just—” TJ chuckles nervously. “I got a really bad haircut right before me and my big ex broke up. But that was so long ago, now I can barely remember.”

 **_TJ IS ACUTELY AWARE THAT HIS LAST SALON HAIRCUT TOOK PLACE EXACTLY 431 DAYS AGO, THREE HOURS BEFORE HIS BIG BREAK UP. AMBER’S BEEN CUTTING HIS HAIR EVER SINCE._ **

TJ cast a forlorn gaze to the side, “So long ago…” He pushes himself up to his feet.

“Sounds like a bad time,” Cyrus tries. 

TJ stands in the doorway to the kitchen, “Bad time? Not really.”

**_IT WAS._**

“It was a mutual thing.” 

**_IT WASN’T._**

TJ sighed. “I mean...she told me it was mutual.”

**_SHE DUMPED HIM. IT WAS BRUTAL._**

Cyrus appears behind him, “What was her name?” 

“She was Rachel when I knew her.” TJ scoffed, “But she stopped liking that name. Then she stopped liking me…” 

“Your hair is cute,” Cyrus assures him, “I like it long.”

“It’d be cuter short, wouldn’t it?” TJ mutters. He walks off into the living room.

Cyrus frowned, “Teej—”

“What?” He’s standing in front of Cyrus again, wearing a beanie over his hair. 

“Why are you wearing that hat?”

“I just thought we could go for a walk.”

Cyrus rolled his eyes, “Beanies are my thing.” He snatches it off of his head. “You can wait for a week and a half.” He takes a step closer to the other boy. “Your hair looks _fine_ , Teej. You look great all the time.”

TJ blushes. “I, uh...really did want to go on that walk with you, though.”

“Then let’s go.”

———

**60 MINUTES LATER**

“Tell me this walk has nothing to do with what your brother said about striking out,” Cyrus said. 

“Oh, no,” TJ breathes, “I just love me some walking, y’know.” He starts up a flight of stairs, similar to the ones near the swingset. “Just puttin’ one leg in front of the other like this. Walking.” 

“You seem a little…” Cyrus struggled to find the words. “Heightened.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I dunno.” TJ is nervous, for sure, but he doesn’t know why. He hates walking. He didn’t _technically_ strike out with Cyrus, so he’s not really sure why he took Kip’s advice. Was he uncomfortable? Did Cyrus make him uncomfortable? He’s always thought it was just nerves. 

“I just sort of feel like I’m on drugs when I’m with you,” he says sheepishly. TJ’s eyes widen as soon as he realizes what he said. “Not that I do drugs,” he rushes. “Unless you do drugs, in which case, I do drugs all the time— every drug.” He inhales a sharp breath to try to stop himself. “Just...when I’m with you, things sort of seem a little brighter.”

Cyrus stops, “What is this place?”

“Oh,” TJ replies, “It’s a totally awesome castle. They're shooting this movie here right now.” The set is buzzing, and TJ guides Cyrus through the crowds of people standing to the sides. They find Kip after a few minutes, holding a cup of hot chocolate. 

“Did you find the guy you were stalking?” Cyrus asks. 

Kip brings the paper cup to his lips, “I think I’m about to right now…”

“Mr. Brodsky is traveling!” Someone yells from on set.

“Mr. Brodsky…?” Cyrus echos. 

Kip nods, “Walker Brodsky.”

Cyrus lets out a shaky exhale, “Oh…” 

TJ turns to Cyrus, “Oh?” 

The director yells once more, and the door to a trailer opens. Out steps Walker Brodsky, clad in a leather jacket like the film from earlier. 

Kip sighs, “I can see the appeal of bisexuality.”

“It...it doesn’t work like that, Kip.”

Walker Brodsky drops a skateboard onto the ground and literally rolls onto the set. He looks very high and mighty on it, but all TJ can think about is the first time he met Cyrus. 

“Oh man…” Speak of the angel. “We’ve gotta go…” 

TJ whips his head over to Cyrus, “What? Why?”

Cyrus sighs, “I used to date that clown.” TJ’s face falls.

Walker Brodsky jumps off of his skateboard and onto his mark. The director goes to start the take, “And—”

“Action,” Walker finishes. _“Hey._ ” The other actors turn to face him. “ _The only thing keeping the two of us apart is the two minutes it’s gonna take to kick your ass.”_

“Oh my _god_ ,” TJ gapes. “You dated a famous guy?” 

“In ninth grade,” Cyrus whispers. “We had drama. Actually, it might’ve been math, I just remember there being a lot of drama. He was a brat, he just followed me around?” 

“He can’t be a brat, he’s _famous_!” 

“Hey!” Walker’s voice boomed, “I’m talkin’ to you, TJ Kippen.” 

TJ’s eyes widen, “He’s famous and he’s talking to me…” 

Walker strides over to the three of them. “The only thing keeping the two of us apart is the two minutes it’s gonna take to kick your ass.” 

“Can I have your—” He lands a clean blow to TJ’s face. It doesn’t seem to phase him, though. “Can I have your autograph?” 

Walker pulled him away from the crowd and shoved him onto the ground. He turns to Cyrus, “What’s up?” he asks. “How’s life? He seems nice.” He grabs TJ’s ankles, swinging him around, and he launched him up and towards the castle. 

TJ lands hard on a pile of sandbags. He lets out a pained groan and rolls onto his stomach.

“And...cut!” The director yells.

“TJ!” Kip yells. “Evil ex. Fight.”

TJ struggles trying to push himself up. He sees Walker strutting over to him, and his stomach lurches as he picks him up by his hoodie. “You really think you can stand a chance against an A-lister, bro?” He delivers another hard punch to the face that has TJ flying into the air and skidding against the pavement. Walker shakes his hand out. “Some competish you are.” 

Walker begins to move away from him, and TJ jumps up. “Hey,” he says weakly. When he realizes the star doesn’t hear him, he runs over to him. “Hey, I’m not done with you!” He grabs his shoulder and spins him around, only to be met with someone who definitely wasn’t Walker. 

“Oh…” Walker chortles. “Looks like you’re seeing double,” He quips. The guy, who TJ assumes is his stunt double, punches TJ in the same brutish fashion. 

“He’s good, right? Sometimes I let him do the wide shots.” Behind the body double, six more appear, each with skateboards in their hands. “What can I say?” Walker smirks. “I’m nothing without my stunt team.” 

TJ gulps and begins to back away slowly, but every step he took meant that the stunt crew followed him. 

“Hey.” TJ whips around to see Kip. “Ask them how it feels to always get his sloppy seconds.”

“How does it f—” A stunt double bashes TJ’s head with his skateboard. He stumbles backward, and three more charge at him. He blocks their hits with his forearms and throws a punch every now and then. It’s all just a blur of vaguely handsome skaters. 

He snatches a board from one of the doubles’ hands, smacking him across the face with it. He kicks another double that tries to sneak up behind him and surprises himself with how powerful it was. TJ looks around and doesn’t see any more doubles coming at him, and he lets out a sigh of relief. He stands there, catching his breath, while a double sneaks up behind him, bringing his skateboard down onto TJ’s head. HE crumbles to the ground, and the Brodsky posers circle around him, kicking him until he’s breathless again. 

Walker strolls up to the circle, looking down at his phone, “Hey, I’m gonna get a coffee, you homies want anything?” A chorus of ‘no’s follow, and Walker leaves to go get his coffee. His phone chimes, and he snickers, “That is hilarious.” He grabs his coffee from one of the set hands.

“Mister Brodsky,” he hears, and spins around. TJ stands in the middle of the same circle he’d seen moments ago, except his body doubles are on the ground. “You’re needed back on set.” Walker glares at TJ and crushes his cup, scalding coffee spraying all over. 

They run at each other, and it’s like something out of a movie (ha). They leap into the air, and TJ pulls his fist back, ready to punch, but Walker beats him to the blow. He kicks TJ into one of the backdrops. “Prepare,” he starts. He pauses, ripping another hole in the backdrop so he can walk through. “Prepare to feel the wrath...of the League of Evil Exes.”

TJ looks up at Walker, a pained and confused expression on his face, “League of Evil Axes?” 

Walker huffs, “You really don’t know about the league?” 

“Um—”

“The Seven Evil Exes? Coming to kill you?” he tries. “Controlling the future of Cyrus’ love life?” 

TJ shakes his head slowly, “No.” 

Walker does a complete 180. “Oh, well hey, listen, man, don’t worry about it.” He holds out his hand. 

TJ takes it hesitantly, “Really?” 

“Yeah, let’s go grab a coffee or something.” He starts to pull TJ up but quickly uses his other hand to slap him back down. “Boom! That was good.”

TJ sits up, clutching his cheek. “You _are_ a pretty good actor…”

“Yeah, I’m goin’ for the Oscar this year,” Walker says, popping the collar on his jacket. 

An idea pops into TJ’s head. “But are you a pretty good skater?” he asks. 

“I’m more than a pretty good skater.” He pulls down the collar of his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a logo. “I run my own skate company. Besides, I taught Cyrus everything he knows.” 

Jealousy flares in TJ’s chest, but he pushes it down. “Yeah, but can you do a thingy on that rail?” He points behind him to a staircase. 

Walker rolls his eyes, “It’s called a grind, bro.”

“So can you do a grindy thingy now?” 

Walker scoffs, “Are you serious?” He walks over to the stairs. The steps are covered in snow, and the rails are iced over. “There are, like, two hundred steps, and the rails are garbage.” 

TJ stands, “Well, hey, if it’s too hardcore—”

Walker whips around, “You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?” 

“There are girls watching.” A camera shutters behind him. 

Walker’s eyes flit behind TJ’s head, and he turns around, “Somebody get me my board.” 

Kip slides up behind him, hugging his skateboard. He taps his shoulder. “Hi. Big fan.” 

“Why wouldn’t you be?” Walker drops his board and steps on it, rolling down the hill. He hops up onto the rail. He starts moving down, picking up speed. Sparks fly. 

“Wow,” TJ comments. 

“What’re you doing?” Kip asks. 

A smug grin finds its way onto TJ’s face, “Just wait.”

At the bottom of the steps, there’s a small explosion of what TJ can only assume is Walker Brodsky, ex-artist, ex-pro-skater, and now ex-actor. He pumps his fist in victory.

**2000 POINTS**

“Wow. He totally bailed.” Kip says. 

TJ’s glory is cut short, “AH, I didn’t get his autograph!” 

“No you did not,” Kip replies.

There’s microphone feedback from behind him, “And that’s a wrap!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hfnfhnf YIKES. we're fifty-one minutes in.
> 
> it's kind of hard to imagine this next ex because he's so unlike the movie character, but here he is. 
> 
> this was super hard to write for a multitude of reasons:  
> -one. i absolutely hate writing fight scenes. why did i choose to type up this au? idk.  
> -two. the ramona song!!! in the movie scott sings a song dedicated to ramona, and the only words are her name and "on my mind," so it was super hard to have to remix that to fit cyrus.  
> -three. i was bored. i was just bored.
> 
> and the most important reason!!!
> 
> i had a new idea for a fic. it's amber-centric. i love her. i love this idea. once i'm at a good place/finished with this story, i'm gonna post the first little snippet. 
> 
> anyway, we're finally getting into the exes! most of the fights happen during ramona's blue phase/cyrus' beanie-flannel phase.
> 
> tell me what you like! what wasn't really ur cup of tea? who's your favorite character! comment about anything and everything, and dont forget to show ur luv via kudos + sharing


	7. Seven Little Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kip sighs and squats down to TJ’s level. “If you want something bad, you have to fight for it,” he replies honestly. “Step up your game, Teej. Break out the L-word.”
> 
> TJ furrows his brows, “Lesbian?” 
> 
> Kip rolls his eyes, “The other L-word.” 
> 
> “...Lesbians?”
> 
> Kip’s face falls. “Oh my—it’s love, TJ, I wasn’t trying to trick you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii 
> 
> she's short, but she's all i got. don't forget to comment + leave kudos! i love hearing from u guys!
> 
> see the end notes to read my rambles. (warning: they're not very exciting)

**_BEEEEEEEP_ **

“Hey, it’s me again—TJ. Give me a call when you get this.” He moves to hang up the landline, but hesitates, “TJ Kippen.” He hangs up and groans. 

“I can’t believe he bailed last night!” he gets up and walks to the kitchen. “I mean, what’s the deal? Seriously?” He slumps against the fridge.

“Yep, you said that last night,” Kip replies. He’s wiping down the stove.

“You know what really sucks though?” He moves a few letter magnets to spell out SUX.

“What?” 

He flips an eight magnet sideways and slides it under SUX. “Everything.” 

Kip turns away from the stove, “Oh, come on, guy. You can’t say you didn’t see this coming.” 

TJ only sighs. He strokes the piece of paper with Cyrus’ number on it. He’d hung it up last week when he got it to make sure he wouldn’t lose it. 

Kip huffs out a sigh and snatches the paper from the fridge. He holds up the paper for TJ to see, “What did you think these were?”

“Kisses?” he answers nervously. “Seven little...kisses…?”

“Seven. Deadly. X’s.” He slams the number down onto the counter.

TJ slides to the floor with a groan. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?”

Kip sighs and squats down to TJ’s level. “If you want something bad, you have to fight for it,” he replies honestly. “Step up your game, Teej. Break out the L-word.”

TJ furrows his brows, “Lesbian?” 

Kip rolls his eyes, “The other L-word.” 

“...Lesbians?”

Kip’s face falls. “Oh my—it’s love, TJ, I wasn’t trying to trick you.” 

TJ groans and lays his head against the fridge. He’s used to feeling stupid—math had never been the best subject, but this was a new low. This was a different kind of stupid, where there wasn’t an option to get him out scot-free. For the first time, things were complicated. He’s never felt this way about anyone before. Is it just because he was a boy? Has TJ  _ ever _ really liked girls? He liked Rachel, but maybe it was just the idea of her? His brain hurt. 

Kip clasps a hand on his shoulder, “Look, if he really is the boy of your dreams, then you have to let him know. You have to overcome any and all obstacles that lie in your path. Dude, you can do it. Be with him—it’s your destiny.” TJ can hear the swell of inspirational violins behind him. Hell yeah, he’s gonna do it, he’s—

“Plus, I need you to move out.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah,” Kip stands and walks back over to the stove, “I’m banking on him calling you so I don’t have to evict you and feel all guilty and shit.” 

_ RIIIIIIIIING. _

“I have a feeling that’s for you, guy.” 

TJ scrambles to get up and zips over to the phone. He picks up the landline and plops down into the Easy Chair. “Hey,” he says, a small smile playing on his lips. 

_ “Hey, TJ.” _

His face falls. “Envy?”

Kip whips around, “Oh shit.”

He feels his blood run cold.  _ “Been a while. _ ”

TJ glances to the side, “Yeah…”

_ “A year, I think? _ ”

“Approximately.”

_ “How are you?” _

“I’m not doing so good right now.” Goddammit. Why did he have to say that?

_ “Oh, that’s too bad…”  _ Of course, she’s playing coy.  _ “Still breaking hearts? _ ”

“What? No, I’ve been—” Shit, he sounds too nervous. Talking to her is bringing back memories he thought he buried long ago. “It’s been different, you have no idea.”

_ “Probably not. Do you have a girlfriend? Should I be...jealous?” _

“Yes you should, I have this totally awesome boyfriend, not girlfriend, who calls me all the time,” he blurts. 

_ “What’s his name?” _

“I’m not telling you that. Cyrus.” 

_ “Oh…”  _ That doesn’t sound good.

“What, do you know him?”

_ “What? No…”  _

“Well, it sounded like you did.” 

_ “I gotta go. It’s been nice chatting with you.” _

“Wait—” She hung up. TJ lets out a sigh of relief and lays back in the chair. He feels drained after that...whatever it was. Why the hell would she call him? She didn’t want anything to do with him a year ago, what’s so different now?

Kip takes the phone from his hand and sets it back onto the cradle. He rests a consoling hand on TJ’s shoulder. “Everything  _ does _ suck.”

_ RIIIIIIIIING. _

“Or does it?” Kip picks up the phone. “Y’ello?” 

TJ looks at him expectantly. “Oh, hey Kira,” Kip drawls. TJ groans. Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse.

“What’s that? You’re outside?” 

**_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_ **

TJ never stood up so fast in his life. 

“Do  _ not _ open the door!” TJ whispers. 

Kip flips him off and walks to the door anyway. TJ panics and runs out of sight. 

“Is TJ here?” he hears Kira ask in a timid voice. That's not normal. What the hell is he gonna do? It’s not like he can leave. Wait. The window. He gets a running start and jumps out and through the glass.

“Uh, you know what? He just left.” 

Kira pulls her phone away from her face. “Really?” 

TJ blindly reaches through the broken window in search of a coat. “Yeah...sorry.” 

TJ’s glad he has such long legs because he can walk fast when he needs to escape something, like scorpions or snakes or something scary and evil, and right now, Kira was a snorpion, ready to attack.

———

TJ’s head is spinning. He’s never felt so overwhelmed before, but he supposes that that’s the price to pay when getting involved with someone who uses your head as an interdimensional subspace highway. Man, why was everything so complicated? Things with Kira were simple. Until they weren’t. Everything was routine, it all had a purpose, there was never a hiccup until Cyrus. But Cyrus wasn’t a hiccup, he was so much more. He was an awakening, he was the eye-opener he never knew he needed. Had he ever liked boys this much? TJ wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t get him out of his head. Cyrus was the only thing that was on TJ’s mind.

Until now. Now it’s Envy’s patronizing voice,  _ do you have a girlfriend? _

Or Kip being smarter than him.  _ Seven deadly exes.  _ He feels eyes on him. It always feels as if there are eyes on him, watching him and waiting for him to screw up one way or another. TJ looks over his shoulder and is only met with the snow-covered streets. Everyone’s waiting for him to mess up with Cyrus.

Cyrus.  _ You may have to defeat my seven evil exes. _ God, what is happening to him? Everything is flying at him rapid-fire, it’s like the shitty solo round thing on the basketball game at the arcade. 

Kip again.  _ You can’t say you didn’t see this coming. _ He didn’t, though, and that’s what was wrong. TJ never saw any of this coming. He never saw Envy breaking up with him, he never saw Kira becoming his girlfriend, he never saw Cyrus coming into his life and making it better, and he definitely never saw the shadow that tried to attack him. 

TJ spins in the direction that the shadow went. “Dude,” he sighs. He moves to keep walking and sees the shadow coming straight for him, so he jumps instead. “Please…” It comes at him again, but this time it’s from overhead. He ducks. “I’m really not in the mood for this!” 

TJ focuses on the shadow this time, and when he notices it fly at him again, he can see the outline of a shoe. “Okay, enough!” He pumps his fist in the air and strikes the shadow. Something falls onto the snowy ground behind him. 

A girl with a hood over her head sits up. From what TJ can see, she has brown hair and warpaint. She looks angry. “You punched me in the boob!” 

The girl stands and rips off her hood. Yep, definitely angry, that is definitely a grimace on her face. And bright red lipstick. “Prepare to die, obviously!”

TJ sighs, “Look, I’ve had it today, can we not do this right now?”

The mysterious shadow girl glares at TJ, “Oh, I’d love to postpone, darlin’, but I just cashed my last rain check.” Why did she say that in a southern drawl? What was the point? 

“What’s that from?”

“My brain,” the girl snaps. 

“Well,” TJ starts. He plants his feet into the ground, and it makes him feel more confident. “I’m really really  _ not _ up for this—whatever it is.”

“Okay, little chicken. I’ll see you later.” The girl grabs her hood and slowly brings it over her hair. “But you won’t see me. Because next time, I’ll be deadly serious next time.”

She glares at him, but all TJ can do is stare back at her in confusion. “What?”

A look of panic flashes over the shadow girl’s face. “Nevermind!” She throws something onto the ground and disappears into a cloud of smoke. 

TJ sighs in defeat. Who the hell was that girl? Was she some sort of Cyrus-related thing? Probably. But, seriously, is this what his life was gonna be like from now on? Ever since he and Cyrus had started dating, it’s been so...weird. And especially now, since he bailed on him after he defeated Walker. Cyrus didn’t even like Walker! Maybe he should just stop trying. He knew Cyrus was way out of his league, but maybe it’s just too overwhelming. For both of them. He’s never been good with boy drama, or any drama for that matter. TJ’s never been so confused in his life. “Oh man...someone help me.”

———

_ “Hello. _ ” Amber answers on the first ring. 

“It’s TJ.”

_ “What did he do this time?”  _

“No, it’s TJ. It’s actually me.” TJ leans against the wall of the phone booth. 

_ “What did you do this time?” _

“I didn’t do anything, it’s everyone else who’s crazy!” TJ rushes. “Look, I’m having a meltdown or whatever. Are you still working?”

Amber lets out an annoyed huff,  _ “I’m literally about to leave.” _

“Cool. I’m coming in.” TJ drops the phone and exits the phone booth. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he trudged up to the doors of the coffee shop. The lighting is dim and intimate, but that’s to be expected, and an indie tune fills the air. The overall atmosphere is warm and inviting, and usually, it would comfort him, but today has been so shitty that he can’t even focus on how charming the place is. 

TJ let out a sigh and walks up to the counter. “I think I’ll make it a decaf today,” he said, his voice wavering. 

The girl behind the counter whipped around, “TJ Kippen!” 

He jumped, “Bex! I—” He pauses and tilts his head in confusion. “What did you do with my sister?” 

TJ turned his head toward the window after hearing a few sharp knocks to the glass window. Amber stood outside, wrapped in her coat, saying...something. He couldn’t really understand her, but she pointed down the street and ran off. Great. 

Bex huffs out an annoyed sigh and turned back to TJ. “So, what can I ███████ get you?”

“Is there anywhere you  _ don’t  _ work?”

“They’re called jobs. Something a ████ball like you wouldn’t know anything about.” She shot a death glare his way. “And, by the way, I can’t ███████ believe you asked Cyrus out after I specifically told you not to ███████ do that!” 

TJ stared at her, “How are you doing that with your mouth?” 

“Never ███████ mind how I’m doing it! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Uh…” TJ couldn’t be bothered to argue with her. “Can I get a caramel macchiato?” He held up a five-dollar bill. 

Bex snatched it out of his hand and started punching numbers into the register. “You know what,” she muttered to herself. “Maybe it’s high ███████ time you took a look in the mirror before you wreak havoc on someone else.” She slammed the register shut.

“I—wreak havoc?” TJ stammered. “What—”

“And speaking of ███████ too much, I hear the girl that kicked your heart in the ass is walking the streets of Shadyside again.” TJ glanced down at the rack of  _ The Clash at Demonhead _ CDs. He gulped, remembering his phone call from earlier. 

“So I can just get my coffee up over here?” He looked to Bex, waiting for her to throw him another insult, but she didn’t. He turned to walk away and was met with the face of Cyrus Goodman and his stupidly cute beanie, holding a cup of hot cocoa. 

Cyrus stared down at the lid of his cocoa, “Sorry that got a little crazy last night...” he trailed off.

“Yeah, you kind of disappeared.” It came off more harshly than TJ had meant it to. 

“Yeah...I do that,” Cyrus replied slowly. “Listen, I know I can be hard to be around sometimes. I totally understand if you don’t wanna hang out anymore.” 

“No, no, I wanna hang!” TJ says quickly. “You know, the whole evil ex-boyfriend thing—”

“Exes,” Cyrus corrects.

“It’s no biggie. Um—and, you know, I know it’s early, but I don’t think anything can get in the way of how I—” TJ made the mistake of glancing over Cyrus’ shoulder. “Shit.” 

Cyrus turned over his shoulder to see what TJ was staring at. A girl in a white vinyl coat stood in front of the coffee shop’s  _ The Clash at Demonhead _ poster, hands on her hips. Her bleach blonde hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. Her giant hoops and cross necklace shone in the dim lights of the coffee shop. That’s one thing TJ remembered about her; flashy, as always. “It’s my ex…”

“A big one?” 

TJ can only nod. “Envy.” 

Cyrus gives her a once-over and moves to stand beside TJ. Envy stalks toward them, zeroing in on Cyrus. “I’m gonna…” he begins. “Excuse me.” He walks behind him and toward the register.

Envy stood in front of TJ, inspecting him with narrow eyes. “Your hair’s getting long,” she comments.

“Yeah?” TJ replied, too scared to move his eyes from the poster on the wall.

“So. That’s Cyrus?”

“Yeah.” 

Envy takes a moment before replying. “Okay. I’m jealous.” 

TJ’s eyes widen, and he finally looks at her. “Really?  _ You’re _ jealous?”

She rolls her eyes, “Um, I’m allowed.” 

TJ raises his voice, “You left  _ me _ for that cocky pretty boy!”

Envy looks away, “You haven’t even seen him,” she sneers.

“I know…” TJ looks down, “You left me for a guy I’ve never even seen…” He’s starting to feel self-conscious. She knows exactly what she’s doing.

Envy whips her head towards TJ. “Maybe you  _ will _ see him. We’re playing Lee’s palace. You should  _ so. Totally. Come. _ ”

TJ scoffs, crossing his arms, “That’s  _ so _ not going to happen.”

“Great. You’re so on the list.” She storms out of the coffee shop, and TJ runs a hand through his hair. Why did she always have to screw with his life?  _ She _ was the one that dumped  _ him. _ It’s not fair for her to do shit like this, especially after he moved on. Oh no, is he whining? Of course, he is, he’s totally whining. Envy does things to him, things that he never liked. She made him an ugly person, the way he used to be. He can’t go back to that person, not when he has something so good—Cyrus. 

Cyrus appears beside him once more, a chocolate chocolate chip muffin in hand. TJ looks over at him and smiles at the way he nearly smashes the muffin into his face. Damn, he’s so cute.

The coffee machine behind him beeps and TJ winces at the shrill voice that follows. “Caramel macchiato,” Bex calls out. “For ███████ Kippen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boop, we're fifty-seven minutes in!
> 
> it's short but that's because it was unreasonably difficult for me to write. but that's okay because  
> !! we're officially halfway through the movie! woooo! 
> 
> i lowkey kind of love this chapter because my favorite parts of the movie were in it. i quote these parts so much it's kind of ridiculous, so i hope you think they're as funny as i do.
> 
> um, the simulation has been real this week. kinda disgusting...? but a wild ride for sure.
> 
> i'd like to give a personal thank you to garren "big lake" lake for wilding out like he does. in the short time that i've followed him on twitter, my friend and i have officially become stans. stream streaks and player 1. 
> 
> :o) i hope u have a great day !!


	8. Black Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ taps Cyrus on the shoulder. “That guy on bass?” he yells over the crowd. "That’s Marty.” 
> 
> Cyrus doesn’t look away from the stage, but a look casts over his face that TJ can’t decipher. He leans over to TJ, “I know.”
> 
> TJ’s eyes widen and he turns to Cyrus, “You know?” He gulps. “Oh no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the time i post this, it will have officially been one week. woo for regular updates! 
> 
> skip to the end for timestamp and notes from me. remember to leave kudos and comments! :o)

**_THE INFINITE SADNESS_ **

“So...that was Envy?” 

“Uh-huh,” TJ replies numbly.

“What happened with the two of you?” The pair walk along a backstreet, snow crunching under their shoes. TJ clutches his caramel macchiato close to his chest, the warmth from the cup saving his fingers from freezing.

“Do you mind if we don’t get into that right now?” he asks. Cyrus nods, but TJ feels compelled to tell him everything. “She wanted to move to Salt Lake City, ‘cause she missed her best friend—this guy Marty.”

“And two weeks later, you heard they were sleeping together, I guess?” Cyrus adds. 

TJ nods, “Basically.” 

“I dated a Marty once,” Cyrus recalls. He shakes his head, “Didn’t end well, either.” 

“I can see how it sucks—having the past come back to haunt you.”

Cyrus frowns, “Is it wrong that I try not to think about it?” He glances up at TJ who stops in his tracks. 

“Well, what do you want to think about?” 

A smile creeps its way onto Cyrus’ face. “How warm my place is right now.” 

———

Natalie sits up, “And you didn’t bang him? Are you stupid?” 

TJ sighs and stares up at the ceiling. Somehow, bedtime confessionals are more comforting than therapy. Not that he’s gone recently. “I’m not just...I’m not gonna have sex with him, I’m not ready. And I couldn’t stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.” 

Libby leans over Natalie, _Is that the Uma Thurman movie?_

“TJ,” Kip croaks. “Just because Envy’s back in town doesn’t make it not over.” He pinches the bridge of his nose.

TJ lays his arm over his eyes, “Double negative, that’s tricky.”

“It’s over,” Natalie interjects. “Move on.” 

“Word,” Kip mutters. 

TJ nods, “Right. I’m not gonna let her toy with me.” He rips the blanket off.

Kip shakes his head, “Don’t...don’t say that, it sounds disgusting.”

TJ didn’t hear him. He stood and walked a few feet from the bed and continued his self-proclaimed ultimatum. “From this moment on, I will think of Envy Adams no more.”

———

“I have distressing news,” Andi says. She looks down to everyone sitting on Gus’ couch. Gus and Buffy sit beside one another, and Gus plays on his DS. Cyrus sits on the opposite side of the couch, trying to make himself as small as possible. 

Buffy chuckles and pulls her knees to her chest, “Is the news that we suck? Because I really don’t think I can take it.” 

Andi sighs, “No. Buffy, I wish you wouldn’t be so depressing all the time. It really ruins our vibe.”

She shrugs, “Just another service I provide.”

“Anyway,” Andi continues, “ _The Clash at Demonhead_ are doing a secret show tomorrow night.” She pulls out a newspaper, “And Envy asked us to open for them.” 

“I hate you,” TJ says without hesitation. 

Andi steps towards him, “A gig is a gig is a gig is a gig. Maybe you can put your history aside until we get through this thing. You know, for the band?”

TJ doesn’t budge.

“For the band?” she pleads, “For the band?”

TJ pauses to think. “Can’t we do our own—”

Andi interrupts him, “For the band?”

“Can’t we do our own secret shows?” TJ asks. 

Buffy laughs, “All our shows are secret shows.” 

Andi slams the newspaper down. “We’re doing it!” she yells. “J-Beck might be there. We play the next round of the battle of the bands on Tuesday, we’ve gotta get some buzz going! We need groundswell.”

TJ rolls his eyes and pulls his bass off. Andi continues with her rant, “We need stalkers!” TJ glances over at the window and his eyes widen. He could’ve sworn he’d just saw Kira pressed against the glass. He shakes his head and moves to sit in the hole between Buffy and Cyrus.

He puts his head on Cyrus’ shoulder and sighs, “What would you do if your ex was in a band and they wanted you to open for them?” 

“If my ex was in a band?” TJ hummed in response. “Well,” Cyrus began, “might be a little awkward, but maybe it’s the grown-up thing to do.”

“Yeah,” TJ says, picking his head up. “We’re all adults here, right?” 

“No, we’re not,” Buffy says.

“Yeah, okay.”

TJ’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out. It was a notification saying that Kira posted to her Instagram. Damn, he probably should’ve unfollowed her.

———

**doubledribble_k just posted a photo!**

**doubledribble_k:** omg sfjfskfkf _he’s dating a dumbass hipster dude! i haye his syupid guts sjksjskjs he only likes him bc he’s from freakjng ny he’s so pretentious skjksjks like he’s just a dumbass jewish fruitcup yk_

**_Comments (2)_ **

**bball_kaitlyn01:** _,,,,,mm_

 **doubledribble_k:** _@bball_kaitlyn01 he has a head start !!! idek there was good music til like 2 months ago_

**doubledribble_k just posted a photo!**

**doubledribble_k:** _i’m dying my hair and it burns skjdksjs_

**_Comments (3)_ **

**bball_kaitlyn01:** _u should probably rinse????_

 **doubledribble_k:** _@bball_kaitlyn01 shndhfwhen i got thjs ifea i jist thot like i have yo do jt_

 **bball_kaitlyn01:** _@doubledribble_k bro idek what ur saying_

**doubledribble_k just posted a photo!**

**doubledribble_k:** _omg fjksjdkfj i look so good_

**_Comments (2)_ **

**doubledribble_k:** _cyrus goodman stole my tj, but ik how to get him back_

 **bball_kaitlyn01:** _@doubledribble_k uhhh,, how?_

**doubledribble_k just posted a photo!**

**doubledribble_k:** _@judge_gus omfg ur so hot_

———

**COME ON, COME ON!**

The band’s set ends with scattered applause, and TJ can’t help but feel a little bummed. 

“Thank you,” Andi says into the mic, “We were _Sex Bob-Omb._ ” TJ chuckles at the small “woo!” from the back of the building, most likely from Kip and Natalie. 

“We have some merch in the back,” Andi points to emphasize her point. “So—” She turns to TJ and covers the mic. “Okay, bar? Now?”

TJ nods, and they quickly exit the stage. Halfway to the bar, he saw Cyrus and quickened his stride. He sat down next to him, and when Cyrus turned to acknowledge him, he shot him a smile. TJ tentatively laid his hand atop Cyrus’, and Cyrus flipped his over and intertwined his fingers. 

“Level with me,” Andi says, sitting down next to TJ. Buffy followed and sat beside her. “Did we suck?” 

Cyrus smirks, “I dunno, did you?” He meets the dumbfounded look on Andi’s face and turns back to TJ. “I’m gonna go wash my hands, these tables are sticky and I feel disgusting.” 

“Okay,” TJ replies. He rests his head in his hand now that it’s free. He’s still pretty pissed at Andi for taking this gig, but he’s even more pissed that Envy has such a hold on him. She’s so annoying, just coming back into his life whenever the hell she wants. Why does she get to do that? He lets out a long sigh. Whatever, they already played, all they have to do is pick up their check and go home.

Andi lowers her voice, “He has to go. He knows we suck.” 

“I like him,” Buffy comments. “He’s cryptic. Hey, where’s Gus?”

“I’m right here,” he says quietly. 

TJ falls back into his own depressing thoughts until he spots Cyrus exiting the bathroom. He watches as Cyrus pushes his sleeves up, and he can feel his face heat up. His entire face falls, though, when he sees Kira walk out behind him with _blue highlights_ , copying Cyrus’ every move. 

“Hey,” Gus says, and TJ looks at him over his shoulder. He watches as Kira approaches Gus and wraps him in a hug. When she pulls away, she stares right at him. “Hey, TJ,” she says in a sultry voice.

“What the hell…” he mumbles. 

Buffy smirks, “Look who Kira’s hanging out with.” 

TJ feels a hand on his other shoulder and turns to see Cyrus sitting back down beside him. “Who is that girl again?” 

“TJ dated her,” Andi answers.

“Briefly, briefly,” TJ corrects.

The group watches as Gus and Kira fondle with each others' hands, and Cyrus’ face scrunches up when he notices how much she looks at TJ. “How old is she?” 

“Uhhh…” Error messages pop up in TJ’s head. He can feel his breath getting more and more shallow, so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. “I gotta pee on her.” The group turns to look at him with puzzled expressions. “I mean, um—” He stutters, “I gotta pee. Pee time.”

———

After having a mini-breakdown in the bathroom, TJ pushed through the crowd to find Cyrus. Once he finds him, he slides next to him and brushes their hands together. 

“Hey,” Cyrus says.

“Hey,” TJ replies. “So, when do you think the show’s gonna start?”

**_AND THEN IT WAS TIME…_ **

**_FOR SHADYSIDE TO DROWN IN THE SWEET SORROW…_ **

**_OF THE CLASH AT DEMONHEAD!_ **

“I’d say now,” Cyrus says. The crowd is going crazy, and they haven't even turned any of the lights on yet. TJ guesses it’s for dramatic effect—that’s very Envy. The members enter one by one—the drummer first, playing a light cymbal roll, and then the rest of the band. TJ stares as a pair of chunky blood red heels steps on stage. Envy. She saunters onto the stage and places a hand on her hip once she reaches her mic. The song starts and the lights slowly fade up.

TJ taps Cyrus on the shoulder. “That guy on bass?” he yells over the crowd.

_Oh, yeah?_

"That’s Marty.” 

Cyrus doesn’t look away from the stage, but a look casts over his face that TJ can’t decipher. He leans over to TJ, “I know.”

_Oh, yeah?_

TJ’s eyes widen and he turns to Cyrus, “You _know?_ ”

_Oh yeah!_

TJ gulps. “Oh no.”

A spotlight falls on Envy, who stands in the middle of the stage, in a getup that couldn’t be more suitable. She threw her signature vinyl coat to someone in the crowd, and what was left under it was a small black dress and a locked chain around her neck. When TJ looked at her face, he noticed that she was staring right at he and Cyrus. No, not staring—glaring. She grabbed the mic.

_Hello again_

_Friend of a friend_

_I knew you when_

She flips her hair in time with the strums of the guitar and pushes her bleached bangs back before singing the next line. TJ feels frozen in place with fear.

_Our common goal_

_Was waiting for_

_The world to end_

Envy pulls the mic off the stand and glides across the stage. TJ’s eyes flit toward the bassist—he’s glaring at him, too.

_Now that the truth_

_Is just a rule_

_That you can bend_

Envy flips her hair again and TJ wearily looks back to Marty. He isn’t looking at him now, which should make him feel better, but it doesn’t. He’s looking at Cyrus with a gleam in his eye that can’t be anything good.

_You crack the whip_

_Shapeshift and trick_

_The past again_

The crowd starts to jump and cheer at the lead-in to the chorus, but all TJ and Cyrus can do is meet each other’s worried gaze. 

_Send you my love on a wire_

_Lifts you up every time_

_And everyone, ooh_

_Pulls away, ooh_

_From you!_

———

“That was…” Andi starts. “That was devastating.” She takes a swig from her bottle of cream soda. Buffy nods in agreement, reaching for her own soda. 

Kira and Gus sit next to them. “Oh my god, just—oh my god!” Kira babbles. 

Gus nods, “Yeah, you should see them live. They’re much better live.” TJ rolls his eyes. He forgot how stupid Gus can be. Cyrus must’ve heard it, too, because his face scrunches in confusion. 

You’d think that Gus’ stupidity would be enough to distract TJ from his anxiety, but you’d be wrong. Ever since he noticed Marty’s eyes on Cyrus, he couldn’t help but notice it throughout their entire set. Envy was also a contributing factor to his uneasiness, but that’s a given. TJ huffs out a sigh, “I feel like I’m gonna throw up…” 

He turns his head at the sound of an annoyed groan. Standing there is Bex (of course) wearing much nicer clothes than usual. She rolls her eyes, “I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but Envy Adams would like you all to come backstage.” 

“All of us?” TJ asks in a pained voice. 

“Did I ███████ stutter?” she snaps.

TJ squeezes his eyes shut and had an abbreviated pity party before he trudged toward the entrance. Cyrus took a deep breath and followed him, wearing a worried look. Andi pushed her way in front of Gus and Kira and pumped her fist. 

“Wait,” Kira says. “How do you know Envy?”

“TJ dated her,” Gus replies over his shoulder. Kira gasps and stops in her tracks. 

**:O**

———

They sit across each other on two leather couches separated by a small table. TJ and Cyrus have the pleasure of sitting across from Envy and Marty. Buffy sits on Cyrus’ left, across from Bex, and Kira sits across from Andi. Gus and TCAD’s drummer lean against the poster-filled walls of the small room. TJ feels like the walls are closing in on him.

Marty is the first to speak. “Hey, Cyrus.” He glares at him and crosses his arms. 

Cyrus lets out a breath, “Hey, Marty.”

“It’s been a while.” Cyrus hums in agreement, offering a curt nod. Marty does the same.

Cyrus leans over to TJ, “I think we should get out of here.” TJ can’t do anything but stare at Envy.

“So, how was the tour?” Bex asks. “You guys played with the Pixies? You’re, like, a superstar now.” 

Envy doesn’t break eye contact with TJ, “Yeah. It’s, uh, not really something I can put into words.” 

“Um, Envy,” Kira stutters. Bex, Marty, and Envy turn their heads to her in unison, glaring at her. “I read your blog.” 

Envy and Marty turn back to TJ and Cyrus. “So,” Envy starts. “TJ and Cyrus, eh?” 

“What of it?” Cyrus questions. 

“You guys make a cute couple, you know? Suit each other.” There’s venom laced in her words. 

Kira stares at Envy in awe, “You’re my role model, Envy…”

Envy pays her no mind. “Cyrus, I like your outfit. Affordable.”

Bex leans over Marty, “Hey, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York—”

Envy holds her hand up, “I’m _talking_ to Cyrus right now.”

“Cyrus lived in New York,” Bex mumbles.

“Oh, did he? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theatre for Jonah. You know him, right?” Cyrus looks conflicted at her statement. 

Kira jumps up with a gasp. Everyone turns to look at her, and she points a finger at Envy, “I’ve kissed the lips that kissed you!” 

Envy whips her head to Marty and gives him a curt nod. He stands, towering over Kira, and in one full sweep, punches her square in the face. She falls to the ground with a thud, and the blue dye that had once been in her hair was now spattered on the carpet. Gus rushes to her aid. 

“What?” Marty laughs. “I’m not afraid to hit a girl.” He sits back down on the leather couch and wraps an arm around Envy. “I’m a rockstar.”

TJ jumps up. What the hell? Cyrus dated _this_ asshole? 

“Oh my god,” Gus says. He glowers at Marty, “You punched the highlights out of her hair.” He turns to TJ, “He punched the highlights out of her hair!” 

Envy smirks, “You are incorrigible…” 

“I don’t know the meaning of the word.” 

**HE REALLY DOESN’T.**

Gus helps Kira to her feet and pulls her out of the VIP area, throwing TJ a nervous glance from over his shoulder. Bex tries to fill the silence. “So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you’re in town?” 

TJ can’t help but let his body be filled with anger. Sure, he never really liked Kira, but Marty didn’t have any reason for punching her. And that whole, _‘I’m a rockstar’_ bit? What the hell was that? His blood boiled, not only for Kira, but for Cyrus. He can’t imagine how horrible it must’ve been for him to date this shitbag. 

“Fun?” Marty says. “In Shadyside?” He and Envy laugh obnoxiously, and TJ has _had_ it from these two.

“That’s _it_!” TJ yells. He slams his fists against the table that sits between them. “You cocky cock!” He points an accusing finger at Marty, “You’ll pay for your crimes against humanity!” He pulls his fist back to punch him, but it never collides with Marty’s face. 

Marty holds up his hand, and TJ is frozen in place. His eyes glow white, as does his hand, and rings of light flow from it. Marty stands, pushing TJ further up into the air. TJ screws his eyes shut, blinded by the light, and gasps for air. “My neck,” he rasps. He tries to power through it, opening his eyes, and they widen at the sight in front of him. “Your hair…” 

Marty’s hair is standing on end. Not only that, but his brown locks were replaced with frosted tips to match Envy’s bleached hair. A sly smirk settles on his face, and Envy meets TJ’s frightened eyes. “Didn’t you know? Marty’s vegan.”

Marty closes his fist and slams TJ through the poster-covered wall and into the dumpsters in the neighboring alley. TJ coughs away the dust, wincing in pain, and slowly sits up. “Vegan?” He looks through the hole in the brick wall and watches as Marty uses his powers to move the couch aside. 

“It’s not really that big of a deal,” Marty says. He walks toward the hole in the wall, his eyes gleaming the same white light as before. He kicks through the remaining bricks that stood in his way.

“No kidding,” TJ wheezes. He stands, bracing himself on the wall of the alley. “Anyone can be vegan.”

Marty scoffs and runs a hand through his bleached hair, “Ovo-Lacto vegetarian, maybe.”

“Ovo-what?”

The glowing light in Marty’s eyes fade. “I partake not in the meat, nor the breast milk, nor the ovum of any creature with a face.” He gestures to himself for emphasis. 

“Short answer,” Envy says, leaning against Marty’s shoulder. “Being vegan just makes you better than most people.” 

“Bingo.” Marty’s hair stands once more, his eyes glowing, and he thrusts a hand out toward TJ. He flicks his wrist and it sends TJ flying into the air. His screams slowly fade out.

Andi slinks up next to him, “Um, hey, question. I’ve always wondered—how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?” 

Marty drops his hand and sighs, “Okay.” He spins around to face her. “You know how you only use ten percent of your brain? That’s because the other ninety percent is filled with curds and whey.”

Buffy crosses her arms, “Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?” she sneers. 

Marty rolls his eyes, “Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I’d listen to a word you say.” 

TJ’s screams fade back in, and he lands with a loud thud on the same piles of garbage bags as before. Cyrus rushes to his side and winces at his state. “Are you okay?”

TJ looked up at him, “If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?” he rasps. 

“It’s not raining.” He holds out a hand and helps TJ to his feet.

“Oh.” He brushes the dust and rubbish from his pants, “Then why don’t you give me the CliffsNotes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole?” 

Cyrus sighs, “Is it really important right now?”

“Well if there’s a key element in his backstory that’s gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes!” 

Cyrus’ gaze flits to the side and waits a moment before speaking. “I was only dating Walker until the minute Marty walked by,” he recalls. “I guess that’s not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that.

“We hated everyone. We wrecked stuff. Nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy.” Cyrus took a breath. “A week and a half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so...I dumped him.”

“Have you dumped everyone you’ve ever been with?” TJ asks incredulously. “You’ve never been the dumpee?” 

“Look,” Cyrus begins, taking a step closer to him. “I’ve dabbled in being a bitch. It’s part of the reason I moved here.I was really hoping to just leave it all behind me.” He takes a few steps back, shaking his head.

“Hey, lovebirds,” Marty calls. “We have unfinished business, I and he.”

“He and me,” TJ corrected, a scowl falling over his face.

“Don’t you talk to me about grammar.”

TJ narrows his eyes, “I dislike you. Capisce?”

“Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.”

TJ furrows his brows, “What?” 

“Because you’ll be dust by Monday,” Marty reiterates. 

TJ shakes his head, “Um—”

“Because you’ll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady, she cleans up: dust. She dusts.” Marty mimics dusting for emphasis. 

TJ awkwardly readjusts his stance. “So—so what’s on Monday?”

Marty sighs, “Well ‘cause— It’s Friday now. She has the weekends off, so—Monday. Right?”

Envy rolls her eyes, “Basically,” she interjects. “You can’t win this fight. So you’re gonna have to give up on this guy ‘cause Marty’s gonna kill you.”

TJ shot her a dirty look. “You used to be so nice!” He yells. He charges at Marty. Fist pulled back, but all Marty has to do is hold up his hand and TJ flies backward. He flicks his wrist and TJ slams into the brick walls of Lee’s Palace. Marty and Envy walk over to the large hole with their arms crossed proudly over their chests. 

“Hey, uh, Teej?” Andi says. She treads slowly through the wreckage. “We’re gonna go to the _Spoon_ for some baby taters, uh, call us when you’re done.” She and Buffy exit the scene.

“Oh, he’ll be done!” Envy calls to them. She turns to Cyrus who walks over to the hole in the wall. “Real soon.”

TJ lets out a pained sigh. How is he still alive? He should’ve died by now, or at least broken some bones or something. No, actually, he’s glad he hasn’t died yet because he doesn’t want to let that Marty guy win. He stands up and dusts himself off, and he looks around the empty room for something he could use against him. He could use a bottle from the bar, but that won’t do much. Velvet rope? 

Something catches his eye over on the stage. His bass. He runs over to it and throws it on before placing his fingers on the fret. He slides his hand up and down a few times before settling on strumming a B.

Marty turns his head towards the hole in the wall. “Sounds like someone wants to get...funky.” 

The stage lights turn on, and TJ stands with his back to the wall. Marty holds an arm out, and his bass is in his hand. TJ continues to steadily strum out the note.

**_BASS BATTLE_ **

Marty floats above the hole in the wall and into the room. The discarded plastic cups littered on the floor began to swirl around him, making a hole for him to stand in. TJ turns around to face him. It’s time.

**_FIGHT!_ **

Marty pulls back his black and white sweatband and grabs a pick. He circles TJ and puts his bass on. He stares at TJ and starts plucking out a riff. TJ doesn’t recognize it, and stands stunned for a moment. He should expect it, but it stings when he realizes that Marty’s a much better bass player than he is—hell, he’s in a rock band that’s going on national tours. It still hurts, though, because it means that TJ has to face the fact that Envy was right, that he _was_ better than most people. He had magic vegan powers, he _punched a hole in the moon_ for Cyrus. He could never do that. 

TJ tries to come up with a new bassline to play, but Marty quickly overpowers him. The plastic cups start to swirl again, and TJ’s vision gets hazy. He tries to push through, but Marty’s playing just gets louder and louder, and TJ can’t take it anymore. He covers his ears, and with one final strum, Marty defeats him, sending him through the wall. What is it with this guy and throwing people into walls?

TJ lands with a groan on a coffee table. He’s in the green room. It was probably much nicer than the one from the RockIt, but TJ couldn’t tell through all of the rubble. Marty glares at him through the hole in the wall and moves toward the door. He knows he’s done for—Marty has vegan powers and brute strength. TJ has nothing but his brain. 

He glances over to the coffee machine. Wait a second, that could work. 

Marty walks through the door, hair standing on end. His eyes are practically smoking with power. With every step closer, TJ scrambles away from him. He grins, “I can read your thoughts.” _Your will is broken._ “You’re through.”

TJ grabs two steaming cups of coffee. “Let’s say we drink to my memory.” He holds a cup forward. “Fairtrade blend with soy milk?”

Envy laughs, “I’m sorry, but that’s pathetic.”

“Dude,” Marty says, “I can see in your mind’s eye that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees in an attempt to make me break my vegan edge.” He holds his hand out and levitates the other cup toward himself. “I’ll take the one with soy, thanks tool.” He takes a long sip.

“Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup.” TJ brings his cup of coffee to his face. “But I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my mind’s eye, or whatever.” In the distance, a police siren wails.

Marty’s eyes dim, “What are you talking about?” 

The sound of sirens starts to grow louder. TJ looks up at him with a smug smirk. “You just drank half-and-half, baby.”

Marty’s eyes widen. Tires screech onto the ground, and behind Marty, a wall explodes. Two men in sunglasses tumble through the hole, holding up finger guns. “Freeze! Vegan Police!”

“Vegan Police!” They point their finger guns at Marty and he drops his coffee, holding his hands up. 

“Martin Taylor,” the officer says. He has ripped sleeves and the same white hair as Marty. He rips his sunglasses off, “You’re under arrest for veganity violation, code number 827—imbibement of half-and-half.” 

“Wh—that’s bull roar!”

The officer shakes his head, “No vegan diet, no vegan powers!” 

“But—” Marty stutters. He takes his bass off. “It’s only my first offense! Don’t I get three strikes?” 

The other officer has spiked hair and a mustache. He takes off his sunglasses and lowers his finger gun. He pulls out a notebook, “At 12:27 A.M. on February 1, you knowingly ingested gelato.”

A smile creeps onto TJ’s face, and Marty furrows his brows. “Gelato isn’t vegan?” 

The blonde officer readjusts his finger gun. “It’s milk and eggs, bitch.” 

The other officer continues, “On April 4, 7:30 P.M., you partook in a plate of chicken parmesan.” 

Envy gasps and Marty gives her a nervous glance. He gulps. “Chicken isn’t vegan?"

The officers put their sunglasses back on. “The de-veganizing ray.” They hold up their finger guns, each glowing green. “Hit him!” 

Marty yells in agony and falls to his knees as the Vegan Police drain his powers. TJ gets up from his spot on the broken coffee table and moves to stand between the officers. When the officers finish de-veganizing him, Envy watches in horror as Marty’s hair deflates. “Oh my god…”

Marty reaches up to feel his hair, “No...no…”

TJ takes a step closer to him. “You once were a vegone, but now you will be gone.”

Marty stops panicking for a moment to scrunch his face in confusion. “Vegone?” TJ lunges toward him and slams his forehead against Marty’s. Marty disappears into a shower of coins. 

**3000 POINTS**

He lets out a long sigh and holds his head. The Vegan Police are long gone by now. Envy slowly walks towards him, and TJ starts to feel the guilt sink in. 

“Uh, sorry, I guess,” he offers. 

She stares down at the scattered coins. “‘Sorry.’” Slowly, she brings her head up and looks at TJ. “You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.” 

TJ glanced to the side, “You kicked my heart in the ass, so…I guess we’re even.” He pauses and meets her eye. “Rachel.”

Envy looks taken aback. “‘Rachel’?” She looks down, “No one calls me that anymore.”

“Maybe they should.” TJ spots Cyrus appear from one of the holes in the wall. He couldn’t tell if he had the best or the worst possible timing. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Envy looks back at TJ as he walks away. When she turns around fully, she can see that he and Cyrus are holding hands.

Bex appears out of nowhere, “For the record, I am so pissed off for you right now.” 

Envy’s eyes narrow, “Shut the ████ up, Bex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're an hour and twelve minutes in! 
> 
> CARTY STANS RISE
> 
> y'all this one was extremely difficult to write, mainly because i felt like things were too lackluster or i couldn't really describe what was happening (re: bass battle)
> 
> one of my favorite things about this chapter was the way i was able to reinvent knives' solo scene. it's seriously one of my favorite parts, not only because it's super different, but also because it's super real. i see y'all with your finstas. 
> 
> anyway. all the crack ships. i hope y'all enjoy this bad boy. see you soon :o)


	9. Blushing Stegosaurus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head…”
> 
> “Exes,” Cyrus corrects. 
> 
> “Why do you keep saying tha—” Before he can finish his sentence, someone smashes his head into the glass countertop. He falls onto the ground and sees a bright light above him. For a split second, he thinks he’s dead until a shadow slowly covers him. Not just a shadow, the shadow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii
> 
> i decided to upload earlier! i was gonna wait until tomorrow but i figured i'd just put it up today and give myself time to write tomorrow. so, yay!
> 
> u guys can also find me on tumblr now! i'm @slugpostage
> 
> skip to the end for a timestamp and notes from me :o)

“We’re still goin’ to the after-party, right?” Andi asks after sipping her milkshake. They sit in the _Spoon_ spread out across two booths and a counter. 

“I’m not sure there’s gonna be much of a party,” Buffy says. “A third of the band just went ‘poom.’” She pops a baby tater into her mouth.

Andi nods. “Yeah, cool bands never go to their own after-parties. It’s just the desperate people trying to rub elbows with the label guys.” 

“Then why would we—oh.” 

TJ lets out a weak chuckle and presses his cold can of _Coke Zero_ to his forehead. 

“Gus!” He turns around in his spot at the counter, “Are you down?” Andi asks. He doesn’t answer. 

Andi looks to the next booth over. “Teej, you’re in, right?” He lets out a long sigh. 

Cyrus meets TJ’s tired eyes, “You wanna go?”

“Well,” TJ winces, “kinda almost died back there…”

Cyrus shakes his head, “I’m not saying I wanna go.”

TJ closes his eyes, too tired to argue. The can on his face feels nice, though, so he lets himself lean into it. “Hey, we can totally go.”

“I’ll do whatever you want.” 

“So let’s go…” 

———

**ABOUT TO E-X-P-L-O-D-E**

Cyrus sighs and takes TJ’s hand. “We really don’t have to go to this thing.” They were currently walking to a warehouse club for the after-party. “It’ll probably be a bad scene all around.”

“No, I’m fine,” TJ says. They let themselves fall behind the rest of the group. “It’s just—”

“Just…?” Cyrus stops walking to let TJ talk.

“Well…” He glances to the side, “Have you ever dated someone that wasn’t a total ass?” 

Cyrus wasn’t amused. “Well, so far, you’re not a total ass.” 

“But I’m...part ass?” TJ tried.

Cyrus chuckles, “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the nicest guy I’ve dated.” He turns to keep walking. 

“Wait, is that good?” 

He turns back again. “It’s what I need right now.” 

“But not later?” TJ presses. He’s starting to get angry. It pisses him off that things can’t be easy, he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t want to have to fight all of these people to be with him, and he can’t stand to think of Cyrus breaking up with him for another asshole like Marty or Walker.

“TJ, I don’t have all the answers, okay? I’d just like to try to live in the moment if I can.” He starts walking again.

“I’d just like to live,” TJ mutters and starts walking to catch up. 

“Look,” Cyrus says as he walks into the club. “I know Marty was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn’t? We all have baggage.” 

“Yeah, well my baggage doesn’t try to kill me every five minutes,” TJ snaps. “What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?” 

“Exes.”

He rolls his eyes, “Whatever.”

“No breakup is ever painless, someone always gets hurt.” He points to the side and turns to TJ, “What about you and that girl Kira? Who broke up with who?” 

It’s sad to say that TJ takes a second to think before answering. “I believe...I broke up with her.” 

“And was she cool with that?” Cyrus questions. 

“Kira is with Gus now, she’s totally cool with it!” Conveniently, they pass the two of them. They’re leaning against the bar, and Kira watches longingly as TJ passes with Cyrus. 

“You’re sure about that?” 

TJ waves dismissively, “Yes, she’s very mature for her age. We had a very healthy breakup. We’re all peaches and gravy.” 

“What about you and Buffy?” 

“Buffy and I never dated. We were rivals, and I can barely remember that. It was middle school, she hated everyone.” 

“That’s it?”

They reached the bar and TJ turned to Cyrus, “Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.”

Cyrus didn’t buy it. “That’s really the whole story?” 

“Okay, fine, I had a rap battle with this guy to out-rival him,” he snaps. He rests his forearms against the glass countertops of the bar. “I fought this crazy, 80-foot-tall purple suited dude who didn’t even _look_ like a middle schooler, and I had to beat ninety-six other guys to fight him. He didn’t even have any bars, he just had clout because was a Soundcloud rapper, okay? And when I actually started rapping he was launched into space and saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?” He rubs his eyes in annoyance. 

“Well.” Cyrus sits down. “Now you _are_ being a total ass. Welcome to the club.”

TJ sighs. “I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this.”

“Hey, don’t worry,” Cyrus says. “I don’t even know what I’m like anymore.” Damn. Way to count on Cyrus to be broody and depressing. 

“This ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head…”

“Exes,” Cyrus corrects. 

“Why do you keep saying tha—” Before he can finish his sentence, someone smashes his head into the glass countertop. He falls onto the ground and sees a bright light above him. For a split second, he thinks he’s dead until a shadow slowly covers him. Not just a shadow, _the_ shadow.

Standing over him is the shadow girl from earlier. She chortles as she pulls her hood down from her head. 

“Iris?” Cyrus says. 

TJ sits up, “You know this girl?” 

A smug smirk makes its way to Iris’ lips, “Oh, boy, does he know me.”

TJ gets up and stands beside Cyrus. “What is she talking about?” 

She puts a hand on her hip. “He really doesn’t know?” 

He does not. TJ has no idea what’s happening. All he knows is that this creepy shadow chick named Iris that tried to attack him earlier came back to attack him _again_ , and—

“Wait.” The comprehension meter in his brain suddenly goes from ‘no clue’ to ‘gets it.’ He whips his head around to look at Cyrus, “You and her?” 

Cyrus winced. “It was just a phase?” He answered. He sounded unsure.

“Just a phase?!” Iris yelled.

TJ gaped, “You had a straight phase?"

“It meant nothing!” Cyrus defended. “I didn’t come out yet, I didn’t think it would count!” 

“It meant nothing?!” 

Cyrus wearily glanced at a fuming Iris, “I was figuring myself out, I was twelve! I was—” He stammers trying to figure out the right thing to say. “I was a little bicurious?” he blurts.

“Well, honey,” Iris says, cracking her knuckles. “I’m a little bi- _furious_!” 

TJ watches with wide eyes as the event unfolds. Iris jumps into the air, spinning around to kick him. TJ braces for impact, pulling his arms to his face to block the kick, but it never comes. He peeks through a hole between his forearms. Cyrus is holding on to the tip of Iris’ shoe. He gasps as Cyrus pushes her away from the two of them. 

Iris lands in a lunge. “I don’t want to fight you,” Cyrus starts, “but do that again, and I will end you.” 

TJ won’t lie, it’s kind of hot that his boyfriend is willing to fight someone to be with him. Oh, haha, everything comes full circle.

“Back off, fairy princess.” She quickly moves to her feet. “If Jonah can’t have you, no one can.” She pulls her silver belt from the loops of her skinny jeans. She snaps it like you would a whip and it slices through the air. “The league has spoken!” 

Cyrus plants his feet, “First of all, that’s offensive. I’d think you, of all people, would be more sensitive to that. This whole ‘League’ is pretty gay.” He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a large hammer. “Also, _I’m_ gay, Iris, I don’t like girls! I literally _told_ Jonah! So maybe you should tell him to get his pretentious ass down here.”

Iris didn’t listen. She ran at Cyrus with a yell and threw her belt at him. He jumped back in surprise and used his hammer to block it. She growled and lunged at him, her belt slicing through the air. Cyrus ducked and spun around. Iris glanced over at TJ, “Fight your own battles, you lazy ass!” She swung her belt again and slashed the disco ball in half and TJ watched as the reflective crystals fell to the floor. 

“Iris, _stop it_!” Cyrus brought his hammer down next to her and she disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

TJ can’t tear his eyes away from the scene as he slinks next to his brother. “Hey, Kip?”

“Hm?” he responds, taking a sip from the glass in his hand. 

“This is happening, right?” 

“Oh, yeah.” Iris throws her belt out again. “Kick her in the balls!” Kip yells. 

Cyrus continues to bend and use his hammer to block Iris’ attacks. Iris puts her entire being into fighting him and shows no mercy. She whips her belt out toward him with a shout and it barely misses his throat. “Okay, that’s _enough_!” Cyrus yells. He swings the hammer towards her head and she vanishes half a second before they connect. 

When she reappears, she flings the belt out towards the hammer, and it wraps itself around the handle. “I’m sending you back to Jonah in a thousand pieces, you slag!” Iris yanks the hammer out of Cyrus’ grasp and it crashes through the glass ceiling behind them. “Ha!” 

Cyrus rolls his eyes and grabs her elbow, flipping her around. He knees her in the stomach and pushes her the rest of the way down. “Can we stop with the offensive language? It’s not cool. And I’d rather be dead than go back—he’s a creep, you’re more of a bitch than I remember, and you all deserve each other. Also, I still don’t want to fight you! At all!” 

Iris rolls her eyes, “Give it a rest, Cyrus! This is a _league_ game!” 

“Meaning?”

Iris jumps to her feet, a scowl on her face, “Meaning your precious TJ must defeat me with his own fists!”

TJ felt as if all eyes were on him. “Uh, I don’t think I can hit a girl,” he says, feeling queasy at the memory of Marty and Kira from earlier. 

“See?” Cyrus says. “Literally _none_ of us want to fight you!” 

Iris furrowed her brows in confusion. “You don’t?”

Cyrus shakes his head, “Do I look like the type of guy that likes confrontation?” 

Her brows stay furrowed. “No, you always hated—Ohhh…” Iris looked down and fiddled with her belt, “I’m sorry…” 

Cyrus let out a long sigh and put a hand on her shoulder. “Iris, it’s not that I didn’t love you, it’s just that I didn’t love you in that way,” he explains. “I wasn’t out yet...I don’t even think I was out to myself. And you were basically my soulmate, and I thought that because we had so much in common, I had to date you.” 

Iris tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I get it. We could’ve been friends, though. Cyris-with-an-I didn’t have to be just a relationship thing.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I know that now. How’s Cyris, by the way?” 

TJ didn’t understand a word the two of them were saying to one another. He feels like he misjudged a lot of Cyrus’ exes. Iris didn’t seem all bad, just misunderstood. It still pisses him off that Cyrus never told him about his exes, though. How was he supposed to anticipate Cyrus dating a girl? He didn’t know what he would’ve done if Cyrus didn’t talk her down. He’s been trying so hard not to let his anger consume him like it had not too long ago, but he was teetering on the edge of a major freak out. 

Cyrus threw a glance his way, “Wow, Iris, you kept my dinosaur necklace?” He motioned for him to walk his way. TJ comes over and watches as Cyrus takes the necklace in his hands. 

Iris blushes, “Yeah...I’ve never taken it off since.” 

“Wow, TJ come look at this,” He says. TJ rolls his eyes. He peers over Cyrus’ shoulder with a scowl on his face. He doesn’t want to look at some dumb necklace that he gave to his ex-girlfriend. His mind raced, and his stomach twists at the thought of what could bloom from such a simple interaction. What if they decide that they should be friends? Not that there's anything wrong with that, TJ wouldn’t decide who Cyrus could and couldn’t be friends with, but what if that blooms into something more? What if they—

Cyrus reaches behind and grabs TJ’s hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Or, it should be comforting. He guides his hand up to the necklace and gives him a pointed look. 

_Pull it_ , he mouths. 

“Hey, TJ, look at this,” Cyrus says. “So this is a Stegosaurus. Did you know that hey could blush? It was supposed to be used as, like, a defense mechanism, but they also used it to attract their mates.” 

TJ watched as Iris’ eyes lit up at the sound of Cyrus talking about mating. He saw red, and he yanked the chain as hard as he could. He threw the necklace on the ground and watched it shatter. 

Iris’ eyes widen in horror, “What did you just do?!” she screams, holding a hand against her throat. “You’ll pay for this!” She lunged at TJ, but before she could make contact with him, she burst into a flurry of quarters. 

**4000 POINTS**

TJ almost forgot they were in a public place until he heard the laughter of other people. “Man, if I were TJ Kippen…” he heard someone say. Those people weren’t just laughing, he realized. They were laughing at him. He stormed off in the direction of the bar. 

———

“So…” Cyrus said. He sat down next to TJ. TJ had the hood of his hoodie pulled over his head, and he was glaring straight into the mirror that was the back wall.

“Two gin and tonics, please,” he said once the bartender came over. 

Cyrus shakes his head, “TJ, you’re underage.”

TJ waves his hand dismissively, “These people don’t give a shit as long as I pay them. Right now they see me as some aggro band member. Not that they’re wrong.” When the bartender put the two glasses down on the countertop, he picked one up and downed it. 

Cyrus looks away, “I guess we really don’t know that much about each other, do we?” 

“You know,” TJ snaps, “Maybe you could just _give_ me a list of all your exes so that I could at least know who’s gonna beat my ass into the ground next.” 

“Oh, like a handy little laminated one or something?” Cyrus retorts, “Let me see if I have one.” He reaches for his bag and throws TJ a glare, “Maybe we could exchange our information.” 

“Hey, just out of sheer curiosity, and concern for my mortal well-being, is there anyone at this party that you haven’t slept with?” As soon as he says it, he can taste the regret that floods his tongue. 

Cyrus looks away and reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “I think we should split,” he murmurs.

“As in ‘get out of here’ or as in _split_ split?” 

“I’d hope you could figure that out,” Cyrus deadpans, “Or did you miss the part where I saved your ass?”

TJ scoffs, “How could I? I feel like we just washed your sexy laundry in public.” He picks up the second glass and sips from it.

Cyrus rolls his eyes, “‘Dirty laundry.’ You’re drunk.” 

“I’ve had, like one drink!” He says, holding up two fingers.

“I’m sorry I cared!” Cyrus exclaims. “Y’know, I don’t enjoy all of this, TJ. In fact, I’m sick of it. I thought you might be more understanding.” Cyrus pushed himself off of the countertop and started to walk away.

TJ sighed, dropping a few bills onto the counter before turning around. “I just—”

Cyrus whipped around to face him, “You’re just another evil ex waiting to happen.”

TJ squeezes his eyes shut. He feels the rage he tried _so hard_ to repress bubble to the surface. His words rang in his ears. _You’re just another evil ex waiting to happen._

He hears Andi suck in a breath through her teeth. “That was harsh.” She puts her arm around his shoulder and pulls him into her. It didn’t make him feel better.

“That was...not good,” Kip says. The rest of the band huddles behind him and TJ takes a few deep breaths to try to calm himself down. He opens his eyes and blinks slowly. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat as he watches Cyrus stomp over to him once more.

“P.S., here’s your stupid list,” he says, holding up a laminated list in his face. TJ takes it and watches as Cyrus storms off. He stares at the list and reads the names aloud, before stopping at number six. 

**1\. Leo Kaplan**  
**2\. Walker Brodsky**  
**3\. Marty Taylor**  
**4\. Iris Ritcher**  
**5. & 6\. Davenport Twins**  
**7\. Jonah**

TJ scrunched his nose in confusion, “Who the hell are the Davenport twins?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're an hour and nineteen minutes into the movie :o)
> 
> before i start the notes — sunday, 8/18 was scott pilgrim's 15th anniversary! woo! so happy belated birthday to all of the characters from it. okay, back to notes.
> 
> first, i would like to say rip to my favorite line from this battle—"your b.f.'s about to get f-ed in the b!"  
> i had to cut it, and i hate myself for it. but! i also really didn't want any of the characters to beat iris up, so i was just like "let's redirect this fight". idk. 
> 
> this chapter is short but that's because i wanted to separate the ex battles and upload on time. good thing i did, because this is a week early :o)
> 
> NOW I KNOW Y'ALL ARE WONDERING — who the hell are the davenport twins?
> 
> well, that's some crack i picked up off of the andi mack wiki page. somebody went in and changed reed's page, and my friend maya and i were being hysterical over it last night. apparently, bree davenport is reed's best friend. so, to pay homage to it, they're the davenport twins. 
> 
> in case u missed it from the top, i have a tumblr now! and i'm semi-active on it! i'm also such a noob lol thank u maya for teaching me how to use it. i'll be posting when i update there so lmk if you want to be added to the tag list. i'm @slugpostage. 
> 
> thanks for reading! comments + kudos are hella appreciated! have a great day :o)


	10. Threshold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ turned back toward the crowd to stare at Cyrus more. He was looking down at his hands with a bashful smile on his face. His mouth moved, but he was too far away for TJ to understand what he was saying. It didn’t matter, though, because he felt like he could watch him talk all day. He did, however, wonder who he was talking to. Cyrus never mentioned having any friends in Shadyside, so it was kind of weird to see him laughing with someone that wasn’t TJ. But it’s good that he’s making friends, right? 
> 
> Except friends don’t make people smile like that. Or reach their hand out to tilt up their chin so that they make eye contact. What the hell? Who the hell was this guy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii! i'm back! 
> 
> head to the end notes for a time stamp and some other things from me (some are important this time!!)

“The Davenport twins just happen to be the next band in the battle.” Andi flips the page on her sketchpad to reveal drawings of the pair. “And they are totally bad-ass.” She points to their name in big letters. TJ glares at the sketch of the twins and furiously plucks a string on his bass. 

“Cyrus dated twins?” Buffy raises her brows.

“Apparently,” Andi replies.

A dopey grin grows on Gus’ face, “At the same time?” 

“You know what?” TJ huffs and turns around. “I don’t know, and I don’t wanna know.” There’s feedback from the amps, and TJ inhales, feeling it in his bones. 

“Good,” Andi says. “Because you know how I feel about boys blockin’ the rock.” He feels Andi walk closer to him.

He nods, “Good, I play better when I’m in a bad mood.” TJ’s response was clipped short. His focus is on the peeling wallpaper in front of him. He strums harder. 

“If it’s gonna be an issue, though, Gus can fill in for you…”

Usually, TJ would appreciate how concerned Andi was for him. “It’s not an issue. You know bands. I know battles. We’ve got it covered.” 

“Well we’d understand if you didn’t want to take part,” she supplies. 

“Not only do I wanna take part,” TJ spins around to face Andi and feels the string snap under his fingers. “I want to take them apart.”

Andi nods, “Okay. I’m getting tingles.” 

———

**LATER**

“Okay, we’re doomed.” The band stood outside of their gig, staring at the brick wall in front of them. Andi looks terrified, and every ounce of confidence she’s ever had was gone. 

Gus gulps, “Oh.”

“That poster needs more exclamation marks,” Buffy says.

**U.I.B.B.**

**SEX BOB-OMB!!!**

**THE**

**DAVENPORT**

**! ! ! TWINS ! ! !**

**AMP VS AMP**

**! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !**

**TWO BANDS**

**! ! ! ENTER ! ! !**

**ONE BAND**

**! ! ! LEAVES ! ! !**

**! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !**

“Oh, man, we’re gonna get killed!” Gus exclaims. 

TJ rolls his eyes and pops the trunk of Buffy’s beat-up Volvo. “Come on, we’re going on in five minutes.” He pulls his bass out and slams the trunk shut. 

“Wait, aren’t the Davenports going on first?” Andi asks. 

Gus squints and points up at the poster, “I think you’re both going first…”

“Wait. ‘Amp versus amp’?” Andi yells. “We’re going on stage at the  _ same time _ ?” She turns back and looks to TJ, waiting for him to help calm her nerves. 

TJ steps forward and clasps a hand on her shoulder, “That’s impossible.”

———

**ACTUALLY NO**

“Okay, my bad,” TJ says. 

“Your bad is saying ‘my bad,’” Buffy deadpans. The rest of the band stare up at the dark wall of lights in front of them. Two booths with puzzle-like holes stand a distance away from each other. Their set-up isn’t nearly as impressive, with their usual amps and drum set, and a new homemade banner, courtesy of Gus.

“We shouldn’t even be here,” Andi mutters. She whips around to face TJ in a panic. “We shouldn’t even be here!” 

TJ rushes forward and grabs Andi by the collar of her jacket. “Come on, Andi-man! I put my problems aside for the music! If I can do that, we can do anything.” 

Buffy cocks a brow, “Did you speak to Cyrus, then?”

TJ falters, “What? No, I haven’t seen him since the other night.” Thinking about everything that happened makes TJ’s chest ache. He used to be able to hear the sound of Cyrus’ bubbly laugh echoing in his head, but now all he hears is  _ you’re just another evil ex waiting to happen _ . 

“Oh.” Buffy lifts a drumstick and points out into the crowd. “He’s totally here.” 

TJ spins around faster than he’d like to admit and searches the crowd for Cyrus. He spots him after only a few seconds of searching, looking completely different than when he last saw him. Has it been a week and a half already? TJ didn’t think it had been that long, but he’s also been shutting everything and everyone out since what he likes to call  _ The Incident _ .

Cyrus stands in the crowd with a pair of glasses perched on his nose. TJ had never thought about him wearing glasses before, and he’s surprised to know that he wears them. He’s wearing a solid green button-up, and TJ can’t help but swoon a little. He remembered telling him that green was his favorite color. Maybe this meant he still had a chance. 

“TJ,” Buffy said slowly. He turned to face her. “Not that I care, but you should go talk to him before he’s gone.” 

TJ’s lips slowly grow into a smile, “Thanks, Slayer.”

“And I really don’t care,” she reiterates, looking away from him. He knows she meant it, though.

TJ turned back toward the crowd to stare at Cyrus more. He was looking down at his hands with a bashful smile on his face. His mouth moved, but he was too far away for TJ to understand what he was saying. It didn’t matter, though, because he felt like he could watch him talk all day. He did, however, wonder who he was talking to. Cyrus never mentioned having any friends in Shadyside, so it was kind of weird to see him laughing with someone that wasn’t TJ. But it’s good that he’s making friends, right? 

Except friends don’t make people smile  _ like that _ . Or reach their hand out to tilt up their chin so that they make eye contact. What the hell? Who the hell _was_ this guy?

Cyrus’ gaze flits towards TJ. The smile from his face falls, and TJ feels a sinking feeling in his gut. The person Cyrus is with turns around, too, and that stirs something inside of him. 

The first thing TJ hates about him is that he’s handsome. He’d probably been beautiful his whole life. His hair looked soft and fluffy, but not as fluffy as his, and he looks like he has a perma-smile. The only thing he really had on TJ was his dimples, but dimples weren’t even that cute. This  _ guy _ wasn’t even that cute, but Cyrus was still talking to him. 

The man meets TJ’s gaze and that only seems to add fuel to the fire. He can feel himself getting angrier. TJ watches as he pops a stick of gum into his mouth and quirks a brow at him as if to say  _ I know he was yours, but he’s mine now. _

The wall of lights turns on, blinding TJ for a moment. He blinks the spots away and watches as the puzzle booths slide together. The Davenport twins slowly rise behind the booths, and when they connect, the booths glow brilliantly. They whip their heads to the right and nod to someone before turning back. 

TJ has a bad feeling about this. 

Lester, the brown-haired twin, presses his finger down on his synth, holding out an E. The band stares at them, and he can hear Buffy yawn from her drumset. Reed, the blonde twin, played a G sharp on his. It was so simple, but it still made TJ’s stomach twist.

“Okay, gang, can we do this?” Andi asks. She turns over her shoulder to Buffy, “I mean, we can do this, right?” 

“Right!” Buffy says. 

Andi nods and turns to him, “TJ?” 

He’s not listening to her. He’s too busy glaring at Cyrus’ mystery dude. He can feel his anger building, climbing higher and higher, until it threatens to boil over. 

_ “TJ! _ ” Buffy yells. 

He snaps back to attention, and the Davenport twins lift their hands and blast the chords. TJ watches as the energy builds, and he can see the soundwaves travel over the audience. The build-up creates a wind that blows their hair around, and TJ squeezes his eyes shut. The twins clench their fists, exchange a look, and cross their wrists. The force of the soundwaves crash together and fly at Sex Bob-Omb, bringing down the rows of stage lights. Andi jumps back to avoid lights crashing down on her. The crowd roars and TJ holds his hand above his face and looks up at the large hole in the roof. 

“They tore the roof off!” Gus yells. 

“Woo!” Someone yells from the crowd. TJ whips his head around and sees that it was Dimples, who soon breaks into a slow clap. He’s mocking him, he knows it, and it pisses him off to no extent. 

TJ grabs the mic,  _ “We are Sex Bob-Omb, and we’re here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!” _

He grabs his bass by the neck and starts strumming a gritty bassline. He glares down at Dimples,  _ “This is the beginning of the song. _ ”

Andi and TJ nod at one another before Andi leans up to the mic. 

_ I’m hearin’ voices, animal noises _

_ The cr _ _ è _ _ me de la cr _ _ è _ _ me, the feminine abyss _

_ And I’m reachin’ my threshold _

_ Starin’ at the truth till I’m blind _

TJ jumps around the stage, zeroed in on nothing but the song. The wind inside the room picks up, blowing the Davenport twins’ hair around. Their hands are off of their synths, waiting for the right moment to attack. 

_ My body is stupid, stereo putrid _

_ Spillin’ out music into raw sewage _

_ Reachin’ my threshold _

_ Starin’ at the truth till I’m blind _

The twins exchanged a look and a short nod before turning back to their synths. They turn the volume up to full blast, and from the speakers behind them rises two identical Japanese dragons. 

_ My threshold _

_ My threshold _

The twins use their synths to control them, playing chords that make the dragons writhe in the air. Sex Bob-Omb continues to play their song, building up their own energy.

_ Reaching my threshold! _

With one final roar, the dragons literally blow them away. Andi and TJ flip through the air and Buffy and Gus duck for cover as the dragons knock down their entire set. The crowd cheers and the dragons disintegrate as the noise dies down. 

“Let’s just break up now and get it over with,” Andi groans. She and TJ are laying on the floor of the stage, faces scrunched in pain. Andi slowly sits up, “We screwed the pooch in front of Jonah Beck! We’re done!” 

TJ’s eyes widen, “Jonah’s  _ here _ ? Where?"

Buffy pushes an amp aside, “That pretty boy next to your boyfriend.” 

TJ whips his head to the crowd and sees him. “ _ That’s _ Jonah? Jonah is J-Beck?” he fumes. Dimples—no,  _ Jonah _ is standing with Cyrus, hand intertwined with his. No, hand holding was  _ their  _ thing. He brings it up to his lips and presses a kiss to his knuckles. Jonah makes eye contact with TJ and  _ winks at him _ . 

“All right,” TJ jumps up. He’s had enough of this asshole. “Let’s do this.” 

The band reassembles in record time, and before they know it, Buffy is hitting her drumsticks together. 

_ Reachin’ my threshold _

_ My threshold _

Reed and Lester look absolutely  _ pissed _ . They lean over their synths and conjure the dragons once more. TJ isn’t scared of the battle anymore. No, he’s too far gone. 

_ My threshold _

He can feel his anger completely consume him. His blood is molten lava, white-hot and ready to melt whoever crosses him, and Jonah Beck has definitely crossed him. He truly was reaching his threshold and he knows what’s coming next. He tried to keep it under control, but he knows that no matter what he does, the Green-Eyed Monster is going to take control.

And that’s exactly what it needs to do.

_ My threshold! _

TJ jumps on his pedal and electric energy swirls around them. It builds and builds until the Green-Eyed Monster stands before them. It roars and slams its fist down, sizing up the twins’ dragons. The twins shout and blast a chord, and the Green-Eyed Monster lunges at the dragons. 

It grabs them by the necks and starts whipping them around. They thrash in its grip, but it only causes the Green-Eyed Monster to hold on tighter. The twins’ eyes go wide, and they panic, playing chords to try to help their dragons escape. TJ knows there’s no use, though. He’s never known a force stronger than the Green-Eyed Monster, especially now, after almost a week’s worth of bottled anger and rage being added as fuel to the fire. His eyes go green and he watches as the Green-Eyed Monster smashes the two dragons together. It throws them back at Reed and Lester and disintegrates with one final roar. 

The dragons crash down on the twins’ set and it explodes, sparks and coins flying. The crowd erupts in cheers and applause and TJ blinks, snapping out of his jealousy-induced trance. He stares at the Davenport’s destroyed set in horror and watches as the score rose from 5000 points. It starts to slow down, and his eyes flit towards the spot where Cyrus and Jonah stood. Jonah was pulling Cyrus out of the venue, and TJ couldn’t help but feel betrayed. His sister told him that if someone looks back at you when they’re walking away, they really love you. 

Did Cyrus ever look back? 

**6000 POINTS**

_ Plink! _

TJ looked up toward his left to see a small comic-style drawing of his head floating above him, with a little  **1-UP** next to it. He eyes it carefully, then looks back to where Jonah and Cyrus disappeared to. He can’t lose him. He scrambles to take his bass off and hands it to Gus.

“What are you doing?” Andi asks.

“Getting a life.” TJ grabs the icon and hops off the stage, making his way through the crowd. He pushes through the hoards of people, and just barely makes it to the exit. Snow begins to fall from the hole in the roof, and there he spots her. 

Time seems to stop as soon as he sees her in front of him. She’s sporting a grey hoodie, pulled up over her curls. Her eyes are glossed over like she’d been crying. 

“I just came to see your show…” Kira says quietly. 

TJ feels the guilt he’d thought he forgot come flying at him full-force. He can’t seem to meet her gaze. “Um, I have to…” he trails off.

Kira nods and moves aside. 

TJ walks out of the building, still a bit dazed from his encounter with Kira. He thought he’d gotten over what happened, but now he’s not entirely sure. No, he can’t think about this right now, he needs to focus on finding Jonah and—

“Cyrus!” he calls out. 

He turns around and watches TJ run to him. “Cyrus, I need to tell you something.”

He looks to the side, “Yeah, I have something I have to tell you, too…” 

“Great,” TJ says. “Listen, I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt, and I know you have reasons for not wanting to talk about your past and—” He takes a deep breath, “I want you to know that I don’t care about that stuff. Because I’m in lesbians with you.”

Cyrus furrows his brows, “What?”

TJ continues, “I really, really mean it.”

“Oh, okay,” Cyrus nods. 

“Alright. Your turn. What did you want to tell me?” 

A car slowly pulls up beside them and Cyrus looks down, “That we...have to break up.” 

TJ’s face falls. “What?” 

“It’s Jonah. I just can’t—” Cyrus shakes his head. “I can’t help myself around him…” 

“That’s the bad news.” Jonah walks up from behind TJ and gives him a hard pat on the back. “The good news is that I’m officially loving the Sex Bombs—”

The rest of the band appears behind TJ. “Bob-Omb,” TJ corrects, feeling his scowl return. 

Jonah doesn’t pay it any mind and moves next to Cyrus, wrapping an arm around him. “A three-piece rock outfit with a smokin’ hot drummer.” Buffy scrunches her nose in disgust, but Jonah keeps talking. “Music to my earholes.” 

TJ glances over at Cyrus, and he doesn’t even look at him. 

“You know what?” Jonah says. “I’m not even gonna wait to see how you guys do at the final. I’m signing you right now for a three-album contract.” Out of nowhere, a pen and paper appear in his hands. He makes eye contact with TJ, “See, I’m not such a bad guy after all.” 

TJ grabs the contract and throws it out into the street. Andi instantly lunges for it. “You think we’re gonna sell our souls to  _ you _ ? Well, guess again, you—” TJ watches as Andi takes the pen and uses his back to sign her name. “No, no, I can’t be a part of the band with  _ this _ douche in charge!” 

Jonah brings a hand to his heart, “Ow, TJ.” He reaches forward and squeezes his shoulder. “You gotta try to keep your emotions in check, man. Don’t let what’s past ruin your future.” 

“The people  _ need _ to hear us, TJ!” Andi says. 

“Well, then you’re gonna have to find someone else to play bass.” 

Gus clears his throat and slinks up next to Andi, clutching TJ’s bass close to his chest. 

“Whoops!” Jonah laughs. “Sign, sign, sign, and...we are all set!” He takes the contract back and shoots a bright smile at TJ. He takes it as a personal attack. 

Jonah turns to Cyrus, “Babe, shall we?” He walks in front of him and opens the door for him. Cyrus looks up at TJ before quickly settling into the back of the car. He opens his mouth to say something to him, but Jonah closes the door before he can. 

“Oh, TJ!” Jonah says as he walks over to the other side of the car. “You know, we really should be thanking each other. I mean, if it wasn’t for me, then Cyrus would never have been with you. But if it wasn’t for you, he wouldn’t have gotten back with me. So I guess it all...shakes out, huh?” He throws him a peace sign and gets in the car. 

TJ opens his mouth but is interrupted by Jonah popping out of the car’s sunroof. “Oh, Teej, buddy!” He looks around and lowers his voice into a tone that can only be described as patronizing. “Between you and I, the whole League of Evil Exes thing—I was in a really dark place when I put that together, so…” He pouts for emphasis, “Forgiven?” 

He falls back into the car. “All right, let’s go!” he shouts to the driver, and the car speeds off. 

TJ stares at the road. He can hear the band chattering about their rising stardom as they walk down the street, but TJ is frozen. He just gave up the band. The band he worked  _ so hard _ to create. He’d been working on that band since he was in eighth grade, and it took months to convince Buffy to play. He didn’t even mind that Andi was the only thing that got her in because she was a good singer and a great songwriter. Gus just...happened. But he was grateful for all of it. And he just threw it all away because some asshole stole the guy he was in love with—

Oh no. 

TJ let out a long sigh. “I said lesbians.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're about an hour and twenty-seven minutes in. only twenty to go!
> 
> i don't really know how many chapters there'll be until the end, but it'll only be between 2-4. my update schedule will probably be off, too, since i start school next week. total bummer. but we're nearing the end! so yay. 
> 
> i don't really have much else to say except:
> 
> follow me on tumblr!! i'm @slugpostage
> 
> and!! i have two new works! 
> 
> one is a completed marty-centric two-shot where i gave marty a personality because the show wouldn't. it's called pretzel sticks, and it's on my page. 
> 
> the other is an amber-centric wip that is almost a parallel to bex's journey: a pregnancy au. there are some trigger warnings on that story, so please see those before you read it, but it's also up on my page. it's called apple seeds, and once this fic is over, i'm gonna be putting all of my focus onto that. 
> 
> that's it! comments + kudos are appreciated. have a good day :o)


	11. Amigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amber lets out a sigh and walks over to him. “Time heals all wounds, little brother,” she says. “Maybe next time, we don’t date the boy with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.”
> 
> Cyrus’ voice echoes in the back of TJ’s mind. Exes, he’d say. TJ felt his gut churn at the thought. “Seven,” he corrected. He didn’t sound like himself. 
> 
> “Oh,” Amber said. “That’s not that bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's short. sorry. but i love you. 
> 
> skip to the end for a timestamp :o)

TJ looked ahead into the black of night, openly wallowing. He tried to tell himself to be strong, but after spending almost an hour of getting lost because he was trying to walk home, he had decidedly given up. The snow falling above him paired with the icy chain of the swing he sat on made his fingers numb, but he was fine with it. He was numb on the inside, too, so it came full circle once more. 

A soft voice interrupted his thoughts. “Theo?”

Wordlessly, he turns his head towards his sister. “Was he really the one?” Amber asks. “I mean, did you really see a future with this boy?"

“With jetpacks,” he said honestly. It sounds stupid, sure, but Amber knew what he was talking about. When the Kippens were younger, they used to talk about what would happen to them when they grow up. Amber had the wildest dreams of the three of them, but Kip was reasonable with his request. He wished that he’d live with someone he loved in a future with jetpacks, and they’d fly around with their pet alligator named Susan. The last part wasn’t realistic, but from then on, the siblings used that scale to measure their love. 

Amber lets out a sigh and walks over to him. “Time heals all wounds, little brother,” she says. “Maybe next time, we don’t date the boy with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.”

Cyrus’ voice echoes in the back of TJ’s mind.  _ Exes _ , he’d say. TJ felt his gut churn at the thought. “Seven,” he corrected. He didn’t sound like himself. 

“Oh,” Amber said. “That’s not that bad.” Her phone chimes and she looks down at it and smiles. TJ turns back to the front to stare into the night once more. 

“Yeah, I know...oh, it’s  _ so pathetic _ !” It really was. 

———

TJ flips the light on in the apartment and screams. “Ah!” He covers his eyes with his forearm.

“Turn off the light!” Kip yells, and TJ does. He shuts the door and hears Kip let out a clipped sigh, “Presumably, you just saw some girl’s junk. And I apologize for that.” 

“Okay.”

“And she apologizes too.”

“Sorry,” the girl mumbles. 

Kip is quick to dash into the kitchen, returning with a blanket and a mug of hot cocoa in no time. TJ sits in the Easy Chair and wraps the blanket around his shoulders, staring blankly at the wall in front of him.

“Teej, you know I love you,” Kip starts. “But I’m gonna need my own bed tonight. It’s for sex.” He nods his head over to the mattress on the floor where Natalie lay on her side. 

“Right.” 

Kip leans over to adjust the blanket on his brother’s shoulders, “I may need it for the rest of the week, too.” 

“Right,” he says again. 

“And the year.” 

TJ glances up at him, “I get it.”

“Maybe you can move in with Cyrus,” Kip offers. 

TJ looks dramatically to the side, “He’s with Jonah…” 

“Oh, man…” Kip says. “It’s probably just because he’s better than you.” 

TJ responds with a dejected hum. Of course, Jonah was better than him. He had his own record label, and he was rich, and he had stupid dimples-—why couldn’t TJ have been born with dimples? 

Kip clasps a hand on his shoulder, “Either way, this fight is over.”

_ RIIIIIIIIING. _

Natalie picks up the phone and answers it, then holds it between the Kippens. “It’s for TJ,” she whispers.

Kip takes it and holds it in front of TJ, “It’s for you, big guy.” 

TJ takes the phone in his hand, half hoping it’s Cyrus calling to ask him to pick him up because he’s finally realized how ugly dimples are and that he can’t stand being with a guy that’s shorter than him. The other half kind of wishes it’s Amber, calling to check in. But, of course, it’s not. 

_ “Hey, pal.”  _ Jonah’s condescending voice fills the receiver, and TJ can feel his face falling into a permanent glare.  _ “I just wanna say I feel terrible about earlier. I don’t want any hard feelings. So I figured, why not be the bigger man and just give you a call?”  _

“Is Cyrus with you?” TJ asks, his voice sounding more even than it ever has. 

_ “I don’t know. Babe, are you with me?” _

TJ hears a soft  _ “yeah” _ over the phone, and hundreds of emotions flood his body. Including—shit!

“AAAAAAAAGGHHH!” 

_ “Geez, buddy, it’s gonna be alright.” _

“No, I just spilled hot cocoa all over my crotch,” TJ explains, his voice strained. He tries wiping it off with the blanket, and Kip hands him a towel. 

_ “Mm-hmm. Listen, as you know, I’m opening a new Chaos Theatre in Shadyside. The Sex Pops are playing our grand opening tonight, and it would feel really weird for all of us if you weren’t there. They just did soundcheck and the acoustics in here are  _ amazing! _ ”  _

Of course, leave Jonah Beck to brag about his accomplishments. His boasting only fills TJ with more rage. “Yeah,” he says, “Maybe I’ll see you there.” 

_ “I hope so, amigo. I don’t want any bad blood between exes. What do you say?”  _ Jonah doesn’t wait for a reply,  _ “Okay, laterz!” _ He hangs up first.

“What a perfect asshole,” Kip says. TJ glances over to see that he’s holding the cordless phone to his ear. “Forget what I said earlier. Finish him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're one hour and thirty minutes into the movie. only about twenty left to go!
> 
> hi!!! sorry i've been MIA, but i've been doing some stuff. 
> 
> i wrote a new two-shot, and i'm about to publish a new two-shot once my friend edits it. i also just uploaded the newest chapter to my amber au, apple seeds. you should check all of those out. 
> 
> i forgot how easy it was to write this fic lmao. like i just kind of let my mind go and i finished this nine hundred word chapter in, like, ten minutes. why did i stop? because i felt stuck. i think the break i took was one that i really needed, and i can tell you that this will probably be finished before the end of the year. probably. 
> 
> anyway! i love y'all so much, comments and kudos are my lifeblood. follow my tumblr at @slugpostage!!
> 
> have an amazing day :o)


End file.
